"Uncle Sam"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

Uncle Sam's Kill Count: 12

Rating:
(2.5/5)

"Uncle Sam" is a stunning exercise in mediocrity. It's one of those movies that you don't like, yet you don't dislike it either. The premise for the movie is somewhat strong, with an undead soldier going around and killing people for being unpatriotic on the 4th of July. It even has pretty decent acting, with Chef (Isaac Hayes) playing a sizeable role and Robert Forster (this musta been shot before "Jackie Brown") showing up for a cameo. Even the camera work was somewhat decent. Unlike some of the crap that we have reviewed lately, I can't find a whole lot of fault with this flick, except that it really wasn't that great.

Well maybe there was a fault with this film being that it was rather uneventful. Sure, there were some good kill scenes and some nice fireworks, but other than that it just didn't do much. When we watch these movies, Giggles and I usually take notes, and even with the really bad movies, we still have quite bit of material to work with. With this one, we scribbled all of 6 items that we wanted to remember.

The one thing that did strike me with "Uncle Sam" was that he seemed like he would be good buddies with the Bush administration. You want an enforcer for the "either you're with us or against us" policy? Uncle Sam is your man! He hates any un-American activity and will do anything to make sure that folks are being patriotic. Forget the fact that he is a killer, he just wants us to be good Americans.

This here is Uncle Sam, the ultra-American. Why doesn't he look like the dude on the box at the video store? I haven't seen false advertising like this since "Jack Frost"

All he wants to do is get a little piece of tail. All she wants to do is not give it to him. Uncle Sam would be proud of her display of restraint. Remember, good Americans don't have sex with people they aren't married to.

Uncle Sam is ashamed to have a fem-boy nephew named Jody. He aspires to be a soldier and lucky for him, that bastard Clinton instituted the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Ooooh, a flag burning. Uncle Sam won't stand for this shit! A good American never displays his displeasure for his government by burning the very symbol of said government!

A real American stores the coffin of their deceased loved ones in the living room. That funeral parlor stuff is for terrorists or commies!

The family values displayed by this woman make Uncle Sam proud. She won't have sex with this man because the boy might hear them AND she isn't married to him....

Uncle Sam despises nudity! A true American won't get naked, even for a shower. Uncle Shortstick enjoys and condones this fine display of butt cheeks, however.

This dude is gonna pay for it. It is downright disgusting to moon the crowd during the National Anthem.

You know Chef, one day America will be free from the bonds of slavery.

Uncle Sam needs to teach this girl a lesson. Doesn't she know that drugs are bad for you? They're okay of course if you have aspirations for the presidency, but she's a girl and Uncle Sam knows that a woman's place is in the kitchen of the White House, not the Oval Office.

Uncle Sam just wanted me to point out how proud he is of these girls for being proper ladies and remaining chaste.

Uncle Sam wants to kill this guy (Robert Forster) for taking bribes or something like that while serving his country in the US Congress. Perhaps he better run this one by Dubya first...

Here we see Uncle Sam's Purple Heart he earned while he was still alive. A proud moment for any good American is to be wounded while serving his country. That fool ,"Chef", says that medals like this need to be renamed "The Medal of Crazy." We concluded that there have been several chicks in our lives that deserved an award like that.

If you're going to die a second time, a proud American always chooses to go down in flames. Besides, I had to insert this picture just so I could put a picture of fire somewhere in the article.

Sorry for the overbearing display of patriotism in this review, but Uncle Sam made me feel like I just needed to be more patriotic. I don't want some dude in a cheesy looking Uncle Sam suit coming to get me! I kid of course, because this movie really made me feel nothing.

Can I recommend this one? Not really, but I'm not going to say to not watch it either. If you have exhausted all of your options at the video store and this one is still there, it might be okay to watch. Then again, a real patriot would rent this movie! Or not....