"Tromeo & Juliet"

Stink Yard Article #B17

Reviewed by :   Giggles Rating :   (4 outta 5)

 

Okay. I don't know if you've read one of our articles before, but we're different about reviewing movies. Trust me (mind trick).

Most of what we write is a subtle attempt at reviewing BAD movies. It's a funny practice however, because some bad movies aren't interesting enough to write about, or some good movies are too good to add anything else insightful, and then you have movies that are bad because they were made to be bad. On purpose. Therein lies a problem for us writers who have to produce something funny in each case (erryuhghhsd!).

But TROMA, when Kaufman's at the helm, has a PhD in the art of fun bad-movies. "Tromeo & Juliet" is a farce on the popular Shakey play and aside from some faltering in plot and a little too much initial slapstick, it's nothing short of cheesy brilliance.

Come on. If you aren't suffering for a case of Raptastic music musings, LEMMY from Motorhead is the perfect narrator for just about any film. So why not this one?

The house of Motorhead is the storage place of the ACE OF SPADES. (gravelly voice, gravelly voice, gravelly voice)

Do I have to sell you on this movie? Come now, there's tit-piercing! And look at the humble beginnings to that chick's gut. Some guys turn away but I say, "Hey, she's had a beer or two in her day. Are we to begrudge her that? NAY!!!!"

Ouchie.

Tromeo's friend (on the right), who looks caught somewhere between Seth Green and Jamie Kennedy, has some hilarious lines in the movie and is subject to some of the funniest situations as well.

Tromeo, however, is only subject to looking hilarious.

I dunno about you, maybe you're a girl (nah, you'd have back-clicked by now), but as I guy I don't much have an affinity for racoon titties.

But for some strange reason, I'll keep watching, nevertheless. What's wrong with me?

Lesbian scenes, on the other, stickier hand, I have no problem with. From start to finish, I feel like I'm at an art gallery for world peace. Everything is sweet and delicious and the earth is in balance with the universe. That's Juliet on the bottom, by the way, having her crevice clawed by that dark haired vixen.

No wonder women go lesbo. That guy has a MONSTER COCK!

It's not pretty, but hey, is it that much of a stretch? Sadly, no. I'd say that short of that honey-fluid, the eyes, nose and mouth, we're looking at a decent replica of male anatomy. How depressing.

What was the last movie you watched? Think about it. Now try and remember if that film included a guy attempting to stuff his brains back into an open pocket in his skull. If no, you're missing out. Turn off Seventh Heaven, put down the Bible and go out and rent this motherfucker. You will be sorely impressed.

Tromeo goes mad-cow at the costume ball.

This movie has some amazing moments. It really does. Kaufman does establish a rapport between his two star-struck lovers and also constructs some tense moments where Juliet's father is abusing her. These scenes work, which leads me to believe that this movie really is "bad on purpose," and doesn't use that as a reason for it sucking like so many other cheesy movies.

It's hard to tell from the picture, but that thing stuck in his head is a cudgel with a little Hitler head on the end. Bet you weren't expecting that, huh? See, this film even has twists!

And a Rasta apothecary!

Whatever your opinion on the movie, let it be noted that there are few films that will allow you to describe the climax with a character with computer monitor on his head , who is subsequently trapped in a glass box covered in brains.

This is a twisted, fun, gory, sexy, mega-cheesy masterpiece and has a place in the annals of independent horror-comedy. But if you haven't seen it, don't take my word for it. Rent it and see. Then you will know.