The Toxic Avenger

Reviewed By: Giggles

(5 outta 5)

THE TOXIC AVENGER functions on a level of cheesiness that seems to go unsurpassed. We've seen other movies try to duplicate this approach before and use it as a lame excuse to explicate a lack of creativity, but "The Toxic Avenger" is creative, and cheesy, and twisted, and gory, and funny. All on purpose.

Some horrorites say that Troma is faultless; obviously they haven't seen "The Legend of the Chupacabra."

Green rock salt and dry ice will turn you toxic every time!

The main villians consist of vain, sadistic muscleheads, who work-out constantly, have sex, and kill innocent people in the between sets.

First Golden Rule of Cheesy Horror:
Give the camera an excuse to focus on breasts.

Second Rule:
Give us villians that are interesting, and at very least, quite despicable.

Third Rule:
Give us a whipping boy that will soon have sweet venegence.

The story of the Toxic Avenger begins with the dimwitted musings of several teens and their unexplained hatred for a janitor named Melvin Junko. Okay, well his last name explains the hate, but why Melvin "stresses" out the teen leader, Slug, escapes me completely. The wussy janitor's existence as precious and fragile as it is, offers no consolation to Slug. Just Melvin taking in oxygen is enough for Slug to go coronary.

Like all good geeks, Melvin cringes and protests his innocence in squeaky tones.

But working as a janitor in a health club overflowing with debauchery doesn't help his situation as a perpetual virgin.

I wonder how this guy's dick feels twisting around like that? Melvin or no Melvin, I'd be making some different manuever before confronting the little, peeping twirp.

Slug, Bozo, and chicks go off for a murderous drive. They're keeping score of their most wretchedly evil kills and some fresh meat just took to the road.

Their victim is a kid on a bike, whom they wave to right before they mow him down and then run over his head. Afterward, the ditzy duo take photos of the corpse. Remember the rule about despicable villians? Ahem.

Fourth Rule:
Plenty of pointless gore and blood.

Hey! I remember in the eighties when those tanlines were considered HOT! At least Julie gives Melvin (really it's for the audience) a free show before the life-altering joke is about to be played on him.

A vicious joke lands an unsuspecting Melvin in a tutu and a polkadot leotard.

They turn out the lights on the Melvin, thinking he's with Julie, and get him to makeout with a sheep. Why does this seem to work on people in movies? As soon as I felt Julie coated in tight, curly hair, I would have been backing off and looking for bikini wax.

Ha Ha. Look at the freak! We needed to remind Melvin that he's a dork because we think he forgot for one fatal moment.
You know, I've never been invited to a public humiliation but it must be something to behold...

...Especially if it ended like this.

Melvin is submerged in the oily green cottage cheese and thus a cult legend is born!

Considering that these two baseheads might be driving a load of toxic waste around is by far the most terrifying thing in the movie. Should we care to understand why there are no lids on the fifty-five gallon drums? Naaaaah, that would take too much effort.

Melvin's arm turns into a jalapeno meat log.

Wasn't this a Spike Jonze video? Looks like the praised director has some explaining to do. Better get Troma on the horn and begin to pucker those lips.

I'm talking to the Man in the Mirror! I'm askin' him to change his waaaays! No fuckin' with the man in the mir-ror. If you want to make a better day, take a look at yourself and make a CHANGE! Whoooooh!

One of Toxie's first fights has him matched with a punk in a skirt. This reminds me of the punks in Friday the 13th part 3. They're eighties punks, the ones that aren't really that mean, who never carry guns and take an award for lame clothing. This guy is no exception, as he shakes his skirt from left to right and does turn-around kicks.

You see! Now you don't! You see! Now you don't!

The portly mayor of Tromaville is another bad guy, which we guess has to be a villain because he's fat and not part of the comic relief. Either you're fat and funny, or fat and sinister; there's no in between here. Despite this sterotype, we hardly take notice of this character. The Toxic Avenger is on to more pressing matters and so are we.

The fastest haircut in history. Looks like he spilled goulash on his face.

More bizarrely garbed thugs arrive, simply more fuel for the killing machine that was Melvin Junko. These baddies are a pretty repulsive lot, if not worse than the health club knucklebrains. The two-face/Freddy Mercury clone shoots a dog right off the bat and begins terrorizing everyone in a local mexican restaurant. Tromaville's a rough city, man.

Only in the eighties would you see a black dude, not in the military, dressed in cammies. Approaching this blind woman, who sobs over the loss of her dog, the camoflaged guy makes the claim that he's never "cornholed" a blind chick before. Oh come on! Can he really be serious? I had that out of the way like in the seventh grade.

Toxie shows up and begins to kick these guys' asses up and down the restaurant.

In moments like these, I find it hard to even label "The Toxic Avenger" a horror movie. It's a campy superhero movie, for sure. Though violent as all getup, the only horror in the film is proscribed through the tendencies of the villainous teens, who Toxie will easily dispatch soon enough. On another note, the name of this movie was originally "HEALTH CLUB HORROR."

The blind chick projects so much goofiness from the screen, it actually hurts to take her seriously. She thinks that Melvin has acne, but, in a deep, heroic voice, he comes clean and tells her that he's "different." She accepts him and we move on. That's another thing that this movie has going for it: PACING! There's never a dull moment or an elongated one (see Junior for how this is not done correctly).

Back at the health club, one of the dastardly chicks kneads her clitoris as she looks at the photos of the dead people she's helped kill. Sick, sick, sickeroo.

Of course Toxie is there to claim her as his next prize. And we would feel jipped if he didn't. See, there's a fundamental thing with a movie like this that appeals to folks who like cheesy movies: the filmmaker's acknowledgement that the movie is intended to be bad. Some bad movies take themselves seriously, and while "The Toxic Avenger" would be regarded as horrible compared to an oscar caliber movie, we realize that this is an entirely different approach to filmmaking. Some would say that a movie like "Clerks" does the same thing because it knows its weaknesses rightoff, makes no excuses, and showcases existing talent to provide entertainment. Whether "The Toxic Avenger" is everybody's type of fun, I'm not too sure of, yet we Youngmanridgers absolutely love it, and though veterans of the cut-version and newbies to the uncensored Troma classic, we look forward to the rest of the series. Go Melvin go!