"The Pool"

(2.5 outta 5)

Kill Count: 9

Reviewed By: Shortstick

The Pool is a Euro-slasher. More accurately, it is a slasher movie that takes place in Europe with a NATO like cast of characters. While we are on the topic of slashing, I promise that I will no longer use the term “slasher” for the rest of the review. Somehow, I have reviewed more than my fair share of (insert self-imposed banned word here) movies. In fact, I’m not even going to compare the movie to others in the genre as it falls short to begin with. Furthermore, the term cliché will not be used in this review either. I just wanted to add that. I don’t know why it’s important to let you know this information, but it seems like a good idea.

The current state of world affairs became a focal point for us while watching the movie. Much of the world seems to hate Americans, including quite a few citizens in Europe. Okay, our interest in world politics wasn’t that profound while watching the movie, but it did occur to us that if a bunch of Euros hate us, why can’t we start doing a little Euro bashing ourselves? Besides, if films like “Junior” and “The Pool” are the best they have to offer in terms of horror in recent years (28 Days Later is an exception), those smelly bastards deserve some wholesale bashing.

Before I get into any bashing, you may be interested in knowing what this piece of Euro trash is all about. A bunch of college-aged kids decide they want to party in some club. It could be a health club or a party type of club. After watching the flick I still can’t decide. It has a pool and a bar. Lots of water and lots of booze just don’t seem like a good idea. These are Europeans of course, so to them, getting piss-ass drunk and going for a swim probably seems like a brilliant plan. Of course, these are the same fuckers that thought Hitler and Napoleon would stop at just taking over a country or two. Okay, okay – back to the plot. Teens break into pool-club thingy. They start getting killed. GASP! It might be someone in the group! And that’s the movie folks.

What's up with these crazy Euro license plates? Fundamentally there really isn't anything wrong with them, but why do they have to be different from the rest of the freaking world? The style of plates used in the U.S. works for, oh, the whole Western Hemisphere.

This is the reason that I really hate the Euros. Guys like this give the rest of us (guys that it is) a bad name. This dude was a metrosexual before we even knew what a metrosexual was. Before someone invented the term, we woulda just called this dude a homo even if he wasn't.

This chick was frightened by the overt homosexuality displayed by Pierre (above). Before I get ahead of myself with the Euro bashing, let it be noted that I can't really hate them for producing cutie pies like her.

My math skills aren't too hot these days outside of basic computations, but I worked out the problem on the board and figured out that she was working on the equation to a bad movie.

So lemme get this straight, Euro men act like women and the women look like men? I think this chick used to be part of the East German swim team before the wall came down.

Good god, you gotta be extra gay to wear a beret. Perhaps he thinks his walrus mustache will take the focus away from his stylish headwear.

This has to be perhaps the lamest ode to "Reservoir Dogs" yet. Oooh, let's be all European and put our cassette tapes into our cool ass tape players at the same time. Fuck, not only are Euros lame, they are devoid of a cool technology we like to call CDs here in the states.

Every time I want to bash the Euros some more, they have to throw shit like this my way. Those are some seriously nice Euro titties.

Of course, every time I think that I am being just a tid bit harsh with our Euro cousins, dudes like this have to come on the screen wearing sparkly sport coats. I don't even need to make any comments on this one. This picture speaks for itself.

The Euros sure know how to make a health club. A kick ass pool, waterslides, and a bar? Seems like a great place to party. It kind of looks like a disaster waiting to happen though.

The Pool had some surprisingly good death scenes in it. Perhaps if the film makers woulda focused on the rest of movie as much as they did the death scenes, it would have risen out of the depths of mediocrity.

There is no killer in this movie. Rather, he is a terrorist named Skeletor Muhammad doing the dirty work.

I think this dude played "Screech" in the European version of "Saved by the Bell"

I think this is the Euro version of lesbian scene. Of course, the chicks look all nasty, proving that the only thing Euros who ever got anything right were the wise English folks who decided to ditch that shitty little island and come to America to steal land from the Indians.

Forgive if I'm wrong (but since I am American, I won't admit it) but doesn't Skeletor Muhammad look like he is the living version of the logo on the Punisher's t-shirt?

I may have gone slightly overboard in bashing the Europeans in this article, but they suck so much that I couldn't help myself. Perhaps I couldn't find anything else to write about and bashing Euros was the easy way out. It really doesn't matter, because The Pool just wasn't very good and sometimes, you gotta go to extremes when you write about mediocre movies. If I have offended any Euro folks, I will apologize - only if you apologize for this movie.