Terror Toons

KILL COUNT: 6

Reviewed By:

Giggles

(1 outta 5)

TERROR TOONS was the last movie of our first season to the Youngmanridge "STINKYARD." Oh If only we had saved the best for last. We should have known that the director Jose Castro, of the ill-acclaimed mockumentary The Legend of the Chupacabra, would most assuredly offer up a nice slice of cheese.

Well, I gave TLOTC a HALF knife and this film ONE knife, so, I guess on the positive side of things, Castro's movie making has improved for me by double! I can't wait to see the fifth or sixth movie he does--- it may not even deserve to be reviewed at this site anymore. I highly doubt that any judicial body would allow Castro freedom of speech again, but stranger ideas have humped the pillars of justice. We'll keep our fingers crossed until that time comes and in the meantime, we have the finale article for our beloved trove of horrible horror, The Stinkyard. Hold tight Slasheroos!

Let's get in the mood:

Here's part of the theme song of "TERROR TOONS."
The score to BETELGEUSE never sounded so good, eh?

beetle_toon.mp3

Why did they feel the need to intro this piece of shittle?

If you have the misfortune of screening this film, you will also have the misfortune of watching a brief introduction to the movie. Apparently, this guy from Braindamage movies thinks quite highly of TT, or he's being paid to think highly of it. Dressed in a punk-rock getup, this guy really knows how to suck the coolness out of the air. His voice reminds me of Neil Stryker's in EVIL CULT, another character with delusions of toughness.

You must listen to how forced this guy's manliness really sounds. You must, you must!

gore_hounds.mp3

The quick gist of the plot: cartoons come to life out of a DVD and begin to sadistically murder people. The screenplay is devoid of any explanation as to why the twin toon murderers are people in costumes rather than actual cartoons, but that is not to say that animations do not exist in this movie. The real toons are two-dimensional, done poorly, and carry about as much power as a wiffleball tossed by a guy with muscular atrophy, but at least they are actual moving-pictures, which is more than their killer counterparts can claim.

I gave this movie a ONE KNIFE rating and it's still better than I thought it was going to be; I thought it would get no rating at all, or a negative knife. Joe Castro left quite an impression with his last movie and I had low hopes. But all and all this film is just another excuse to see innards torn from latex housings on actors' stomachs and oozing salsa-squash puree squirt out of crushed skulls; nothing more---nothing less.

But, as you can plainly see, there was something about this movie that compelled me to give it a better rating than it deserved.

Eddie Izzard is this chick's mother? No way!

Those things look like they're gonna slide into her armpits. That's okay by me though. It gives an opportunity for her hussy friends to help her put them back in place.

This shot looks like a feed from one of those WEB-WHORES. As the story goes, this girl has got herself a copy of "Terror Toons." --So right away we can sympathize with the pain she is going to feel-- and as she watches, the origin story of Max Assassin is unraveled.

This movie begs the much sought-after question....
Will the Rally Monkey eventually turn psychotic?

Yes goddamnit!!!!!!!! YES!

Doctor Carnage, our dastardly villain who you can find emblazoned eternally in the background tile, has created his partner, the much dreaded Max Assassin. Think a purple gorilla born with all of the killing faculties of a hired gun. An itchy trigger finger and a lumberous body that can be as stealth as a feather falling in the night. It's Magilla-Gorilla and Jason Bourne in one. (hahahaahehehehahahaha--- I can't take myself seriously anymore)

"03" is a bust size?

The plot wanders back and forth to a group of young people, to the web-ho on the bed, to a cartoon that she may or may not be watching, and then back again. If I had wanted to follow it, I may have tried harder, but if a movie like this doesn't do ALL of the thinking for you, then I'm not going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

A secondary character pops in and out of the movie. My site mates and I were unsure if he was a cop, a mailman, or a milkman, but we all agreed that we didn't like him and that he was equally as annoying as everything else in this movie.

A T'N'T Hickory Farms' sausage?

Max Assassin digs chicks with meaty calves.

I mentioned earlier that real cartoons are made use of in this film, and I also mentioned, not so subtly, that they sucked water buffalo cock. (That was a metaphorical comparison, not an actuality. Just in case you're scrolling down to see a toon wrapping its lips around a woolen dick). But this is the extent of the film's animated f/x.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, JOE! Mr .Castro.Senor Castro: Just because you can find a way to put a shitty special effect into one of your films, does NOT mean it's fair for us to watch. That's all I'm saying.

Max is a swinger! Who would have thought? Looks like he attracts the goofy-grabby type though.

So here we are, at about nineteen minutes into the film, and all I was thinking at this time was: It would be great if this movie was only twenty minutes long.

But I knew I was wanting for the impossible because these schluck-heads were still alive. The girls had talked them into coming over and bringing some "booze" and so now they were part of the mix.

Wine coolers = "Booze"

Just as you think to yourself, Uh-Oh, they might kill a 4 pack between all of them, the issue of recreation comes up. Do they play with the Ouija Board or do they play Strip poker? Turns out that the girls are adverse to poker, so they all decide to play Strip-Ouija

One has to eventually ask themselves: CAN THIS MOVIE GET ANY MORE RETARDED?

Well, have a listen to the Strip-Ouija music and decide for yourself.

corny_synth_music.mp3

Meanwhile, as they are enjoying a strip game that inevitably shows more male parts than female ones, Doc Carnie and Max-Ass are terrorizing the fake-titty woman in her bedroom. They unhouse her spine and present it to the audience to make sure that we were all paying attention.

I suppose it was necessary to have a big spine in order to better support those voltron-sized breasts of hers, but holy smokes! That looks like a cow's vertebrae.

Despite a bad, sorry movie, I really wouldn't mind seeing more of this cutie-pie. Hopefully she's disowned this movie by now and moved on, and given up the jimson-weed, which ultimately led her to agree to star in a Castro movie and subsequently caused her to rethink ever going to a comic-con again.

Remember the question that was posed before, about whether or not this movie could be any more retarded? Well, now you have your answer. A solid yes.

This headache effect gets honorable mention. In other words, it was honorable for me to mention it and not immediately go on to the next slam.... but, fast, here comes the next one...

The killers certainly both look formidable here, perhaps even cartoonishly insane and creepy, but there's something still holding this concept back. Oh yeah, I remember, killer cartoons are lame. Maybe even as lame as movies about them.

She's just coming down off the jimson, thinking, Oh my God! That soft-spoken hispanic dude got me to star in half of this movie already... maybe nobody will distribute it... pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!!!

Okay, I've got to concede something here. Not many people can say that they went out in the world with a giant purple gorilla putting an apron on them.

The guy has a Goomba peering out of his head...

So. What's next? Well, the all-important tie-in if you have to know. These crazy toons had to come from somewhere, or someone, or some thing.

So why not Lucifer? He's real pissed in this movie too. I don't remember a single word of dialogue from him, but I know for a fact that this is the best actor of the lot. And can you blame him for being pissed? You be pissed too if one horn was bigger than the other.

The main character somehow conjures herself into a superhero. Don't ask me how. I didn't know when I was watching it and I certainly don't know now. All I do know is, something retarded this way comes.

Joe Castro! I have a special place for you down here. I'm still in therapy over that fucking chupacabra movie!!!!!

It takes talent to take a pretty girl and turn her into a super futz.

Welcome to Camel-Toe TV! God bless us, everyone.

Well, in the conclusion of the movie the main character's parents come home and react to the ruin their house has become, and we get to see some of the worst acting of all time. BUT, ironically this is also some of the best acting in this movie too. Go figure.

I couldn't deprive you of this:

over_acting.mp3

It was only a little bit of jimson. Give it back, damn you!

If you have made it this far down, reading, not looking, then I commend you, but I'm also suspicious that you're contemplating renting this film. The truth of the matter is that people who like gore and can wholly skip plot, acting, directing, musical scoring, costuming, lighting, and/or originality, may develop an affinity for this movie. I, myself, have developed a rash. Which one will you be?

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Youngmanridge would like to thank all of those people who have inadvertently read any of our articles this first season on the Stinkyard. In this world of the Internet, we are free to be the morons we've always dreamed of becoming, and some folks have actually come to witness it. On purpose!

So thanks again! Season two will begin in the coming weeks.