"Shredder"

Stink Yard Article #B11

Reviewed by :   Shortstick Rating :   (2.5 outta 5) Kill Count :   7

 

Horny college chicks. A secluded ski lodge. A killer on skis hell bent on exacting revenge on snow boarders for killing a family member. Did I mention the horny college chicks? Mix the ingredients, set at 375, and with little effort, you'll have a fun-filled slasher on your hands.

Shredder, or as we like to call it at The Stink Yard, "Blown Opportunities on the Mountain", had a chance to show us what we wanted. Sure, there were implications that crazy stuff was going on, but we never really got to see it. Someone must have mucked something up during the mixing process, because the final product came out bland.

Blown Opportunity #1:

A shower scene with no titties. Unrelieved vasocongestion will commence in 3...2...1...

Don't get me wrong, I think most titty shots in horror movies are gratuitous. At the end of the day, naked boobies aren't going to make a movie any better. Titties do help alleviate the pain of watching a bad movie, though.

Blown Opportunity #2:

"This is a good movie" were the words that Giggles uttered at the outset of this scene. Seconds later, when the scene was cut short for some retarded reason or another, he recanted his statement.

While I may be inclined to make fun of this guy for looking like a complete slob, who hasn't done this from time to time? I know I'm not the only one, right?
RIGHT?

Shredder kind of looks like "Snake Eyes" doesn't he? For a while, I thought that Duke and Frostbite were gonna cruise up in the Snow Cat and kick some Cobra ass.

Incidentally, I found a GI Joe Erotic Fan Fiction website while Googling for pictures of GI Joe figures.

Thankfully, there aren't any stories involving Duke and Shipwreck sharing an intimate moment. There are just some things I don't need to know about, even if "Knowing is half the battle".

This is the look of a guy who did the voice for an incredibly well known Disney hero (Aladdin) suddenly realizing that he is in a B-rate horror movie.

Blown Opportunity #3:

A game of truth or dare that ends with no one shedding any significant amount of clothing. Is anyone else getting tired of seeing truth or dare games in movies involving "college-aged" kids? Does anyone even play truth or dare anymore?

Terror Toons might be one of the all-time crapfests, but at least the "Strip Ouija" game was somewhat original.

There may be too many clothes involved in this booty shot, but proper Youngmanridge protocol calls for us to celebrate a hot ass regardless of the amount of clothing involved in the shot.

Blown Opportunity #4:

Yet another lesbian scene ends prematurely. You gotta like how the chick on top is slyly slipping her hand towards the dikey-looking chick's love box.

No matter, this scene had warning track power written all over it. For those of you not up on your baseball speak, WTP is when a dude jumps all over a pitch but doesn't have the power to knock it out of the park. More often than not, the ball safely lands in an outfielder's glove for an out. In other words, it looks good at first, but it's still an out.

To quote Roachito:

"TITTIES!"

Again, another quote from Roachito:

"ASS!"

Really, what else needs to be said?

Blown Opportunity #5:

Shredder had a chance at redemption with the previously shown boobie and booty shots, but once again, we are left holding our dicks in our hands while the movie meanders into a meaningless shot of a ski lodge.

At least Snake Eyes has a sense of humor when he goes about doing his killing business. The same can't be said for the other members of Cobra.

I think we are starting to see why this dude is only known for lending his voice to Aladdin. Based on his range of facial expressions, I think he is best suited as a voice-actor.

Blown Opportunity #6:

A hot-tub "sex" scene with no nakedness. The blonde chick pretends to get naked TWICE, starts to get nasty with another chick, and stars in a crap horror flick, yet she is reluctant to show her goodies. Was she trying to maintain her dignity?

Hasn't the dude on the right heard of Preparation-H? According to the Preparation-H website, it isn't something to be ashamed of.

75% of all Americans will suffer from hemorrhoids at some point in their life. How's that for reassuring news?

Apparently, Snake Eyes likes to do Mike Myers impressions in his free time.

A note to aspiring film-makers: The Mike Myers-Laurie Strode closet scene was a good idea the first time around. You might think that you are paying homage to one of the greats (and who could blame you?), but when your movie sucks, it just means you are ripping it off.

At least the movie ends on a positive note, with the dignified young blonde-haired lady telling Aladdin that she never loved him. Why didn't she go for broke and tell him that his cock is too small and he wasn't man enough to satisfy her?

I wouldn't say that Shredder was a bad movie. Disappointing is a more apt description. I think that it had a chance to be fun, in a "The Greenskeeper" sort of way. You might think that we are used to disappointment here at the Stink Yard by now, given the quality of movies that we review. We know before we even sit down and pop a DVD in, that most of the movies are gonna suck. You can call it a defeatist attitude if you wish. Still, we always cling to the idea that we are gonna find a hidden gem that is fun to watch. When a movie has the potential to be a hidden gem and blows it, we get sad and cry ourselves to sleep.

Did I just lay it on a little thick there? Sorry 'bout that.. I get carried away sometimes..