"Shark Zone"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

(2.5 outta 5)

“Shark Zone” is yet another movie about killer sharks taking their frustration out on humans. What would possess anyone to make a killer shark movie in the last 25 years is beyond me (though “Deep Blue Sea” was enjoyable). I imagine the thought process for the screen writer went a little something like this:

The thought process is simplified, but this is a cheesy horror movie after all. Perhaps I am overstating the obvious, but the amount of thought that goes into most of the cheesy horror movies we have reviewed here at Youngmanridge.com seems like it was bought in a gumball machine at the grocery store. Luckily for the makers of “Shark Zone”, they got one of those gumballs that didn’t taste like shit. It still tasted like a gumball out of a quarter machine though. Quality and quarter vending machines don’t go hand in hand.

I’m going to focus on the positive with this review though. The sharks were aggressive bastards that were on the hunt if a human so much as put a toe in the ocean. There were also some nice chicks to look at.

Fuck it, I can’t think of anything else positive to say about this movie. It was the typical “Jaws” rip off. While the aggressiveness of the sharks was pretty cool, the sharks themselves sucked. Stock footage, most likely from “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel was used in the same loop every time the sharks attacked. What else was wrong with this movie? Hmmmmmm, the acting stunk, but that goes without saying. A plot twist along the lines of “Ransom” was pretty lame too. Since some of the ideas were obviously lifted from other movies, the writers should have thrown in the catchy lines as well. Wouldn’t “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” and “Give me back my son” work well together in the same movie? Then again….

"The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed...."

The potential for "tittyness" was quite promising in the beginning of the flick.

Sadly, this was the extent of the "tittyness" in Shark Zone

The underwater scenes in "Shark Zone" all looked like they were filmed in the "Baywatch Tank". The only thing missing were the cleavage shots of Pam Anderson. Ahh, the memories!

Give or take a scar and a mustache and you can have this actor play both the deceased father of the main character and the dickhead mayor.

Clothes in love scenes are the absolutely gayest thing I have ever seen. Why even bother?

Cue the Discovery Channel announcer: "Coming soon, Shark Week!"

Something tells me that this dude is gonna get it...

Coming to a store near you: "Chum-Aide"

I don't know what exploding water has to do with killing sharks, but explosions are always cool.

"Gimme back my son!"

What do you do after a bunch of your friends get slaughtered by sharks, save your son from kidnappers, and kill a bunch of sharks? Take a Carnival Cruise of course!

I'm all for honoring the folks in the FDNY who died while serving, but something about this scene just didn't sit right with me. Perhaps if it was a better movie, I wouldn't have cared.

I guess if you have watched "Jaws" far too many times and you want to quench your thirst for killer shark movies, then "Shark Zone" might be worth renting. There is potential to have fun while watching this movie with your friends if beer or something along those lines is mixed in. I wouldn't count on it though.