"Python"

(4 outta 5)

Kill Count: 9

Reviewed By: Giggles

Python is a deceptively good creature feature. Oh, it's no modern masterpiece or anything. But it's a lot of cheesy fun, if that's what you're looking for. You'll recognize a shitload of people in this one, and when you think about their past performances, it's quite a surreal collection of actors. Here we have a movie featuring: Wesley Crusher from StarTrek The Next Generation, Johnny "Cobra-Kai" Lawerence for The Karate Kid, Audrey Griswald from the original National Lampoon's Vacation, and Freddy Kruger from A Nightmare on Elm St.

Okay. Like a lot of other Youngmanridge articles, the term "review" for this piece is used loosely. Maybe whorishly so. But since you, reader, might be someone genuinely interested, I'll sum up the plot as quickly as possible before we being the show:

Giant snake is created as a war-machine--- it escapes--- it kills--- kills some more--- and in the end we think it dies (unless we've been to the videostore and saw the box for Python II. Could be the same snake, or it could be the same shotty rendering program used to create the CGI. Either way, we get our cheap thrills, and we like it).

Here, at the movie's start, we see the terrified pilot carrying "precious" cargo in a vicious storm. I like how the government is so secretive it doesn't even bother to let its pilots know what they're carrying. Sounds efficient to me. Especially in emergencies. Granted, however, there are no "anti-super Python" kits aboard most airliners.

The government has Jimmy fuckin' Olsen guarding the giant snake? Good choice. He must have been on the short list, a close-second to Crispin Glover, or a can of mushrooms.

I recognized this actor but couldn't place him in a memorable role. Upon looking at his Internet Movie Database entry, I learned that "his recent films include Gleaming the Cube, Fat Man and Little Boy (both 1989), and The Rocketeer (1991)." Oh yes, fine films, and recent (as of 2004). I see. But it's really quite strange that he wasn't in this one longer.

After the snake escapes, the filmmakers want to keep our attention with a pair of quarreling lesbians. Hmmm. Okay, I'll allow it. Betcha the one in the backwards cap is the hostile, testosterone-pumping type. Bitch or Butch: that is the question. I wonder which tastes better to Pythons?

Lesboobs!

After that interlude, we meet the true characters of the movie, none of which are lesbians. (Deep sigh).

William Zabka plays a local cop in this one, opting not to be the asshole character for a change. It's hard to accept him at first, especially after he was so cruel and demeaning to Daniel-San, but after a while, I began to believe in Zabka as a hero. I mean, how could I not have seen the light before? What had I been thinking all this time? FUCK Daniel Larusso anyway. That no-belt-wearing, goofy, awkward shelp! Why was I ever on his side? Why were any of us? We should have moaned in remorse when he brought out the crane and had belly-laughs when he got beat up on the beach.

After the tournament, Daniel-San gave Zabka his watch from the Eighties. I hear it's two and a half feet submergeable too!

The other male lead character is this bicyclist here, who happens to work at a plating shop. He and Zabka seemed to have shared the same girlfriends, and, are of course, angry at each other because of male reasons. How many orgasms do you think a guy can give a girl after he's been riding a bike all day? And how can he compare to, say, an ex-member of the Cobra-Kais? "THE G-SPOT DESERVES NO MERCY! KEE-YAH!"

When our inept shellhead bicyclist shows up at the plating shop, he learns of a new regulation. The plating shop must keep the loading dock door closed. The biker complains of a lack of ventilation in the shop, but his brother says it's the new rule. I guess plating shops, as highly regulated industries, require little to zero air flow, but smoking in the shop is completely tolerated. Encouraged even.

As other people melt under a shower of deadly toxic saliva, we are introduced to some other potential fodder. In this scene there is a juxtaposition between women and men. As it always goes, the women are talking realistically, and the men, um, well, they, uh, actually, are, uh, not.

Wesley Crusher leads the male conversation. He's a real estate agent, with magenta hair. Yep. Aw-huh. Hey, I never said this movie was flawless folks, I just said it was entertaining.

We're still juxing back and forth between the girls and guys, wondering whether to scratch our watches or wind our asses, but we know that somewhere out there the Python is brewing some more venom, so we're patient.

Of course our patience can only be taken to certain extremes.

And what the hell is wrong with that raft? It can't take the pressure of two female elbows without sinking? All right, I confess... I just needed to pick on something.

Here's a better choice. Did you see Wheaton's hair? Would you buy a home from a guy that looked like one of those crazy eraser-tops? In a Hawaiian shirt? Yeah? That's funny; so would I.

Audrey Griswald looks pretty good once she's been separated from Rusty.

Oh my. We have a victim. Look at that vest! How cute!

Zabka and this doofis try to solve the murders, or perhaps tie it to chemicals used at the plating shop. The relationship between these two reminded me of a bar of soap gliding across styrofoam. It doesn't really work, but I like how Zabka's character attempts to save this guy's intregity. Willy Zabka's fighting the good fight, even though, we, the audience, understand that this scrawny cop has probably been short-circuiting since sixth grade when the basketball team wrapped his head in electrical tape and sent him careening down the hillside, smelling of icy-hot. Nevertheless, this character is very, very bad.

Yet. Oh the BIG YET. There is one character more lame than the nerdy cop. Jenny McCarthy's performance as Francesca Garibaldi may be the most annoying thing I've ever witnessed. And I, personally, have taught elementary school for four years.

Had her death scene not provoked such utter joy and fulfillment from the lowest valleys of my soul, I would comment that McCarthy should have been cut from the movie altogether. But her death in this movie is cause for celebration, a reprieve from the impulse to run away from this movie, tearing down the street in a trail of tears and vomit. Just when you thought PYTHON swung the wrong way, it realizes its mistake and rectifies it.

Other characters aren't ingenious either, but they are bareable. Englund plays a scientist and snake lover, who has an affinity for the python and wants to bring it back safely. But you know what? I don't see it. So I propose a new amendment. Robert Englund should not allowed to play anybody except Freddy. When he isn't Fred, he's either a doctor, a professor, or an alien, or all of them. And I really want no part of it.

Ahhhhh, let's go back, for a moment, to the most glorious of death scenes. Quick and sweet. When the Python silenced this drastically retarded character, it really endeared itself to me. I'll be buying the reptile christmas presents this year and attending all of its family functions, just so I can shake its tail and express my sincerest gratitude.

This dude has on his bicyle suit for almost the entire movie! One would think that twenty seconds would be the tolerance for such attire. It looks like something a homosexual would wear in the future. Can't he change into something less snug? Please?

The biker and Zabka eventually engage in a male jealousy fight that's a real hoot. It's the best fight for Zabka since the All Valley Tournament.

And so the fight concludes, with short onlookers staring at the men, sadly wondering if Saturday morning cartoons will ever be this great. Zabka and his pedaling companion decide on friendship at this point. I never thought I'd see the day when Zabka was rational, but PYTHON has rethought that bias and soundly delivered it to the world. Here Zabka is a blonde-haired mediator with an iron-strong conscience and a purposeful gaze. Wooh horsey, that's kinda over the top. Good thing nobody's read down this far.

Casper "Starship Trooper" Van Dien stars as a military man with a really bad Texas accent. It is expected that he will want to obliterate the snake, maybe make several thousand pairs of boots and hatbands. His character is easily the most laughable and completely ridiculous, but I liked having him around. He's a easy target to throw jokes at, equivalent perhaps to tossing a hacky-sack into one of the great lakes, just to see if it makes it in.

Freddy's summer suit and hat.

"How can we sleep when our beds are burnin'!"
I bet you didn't know Midnight Oil also contracts services to the miltary also. See, that's why you read this website, to keep you privy with all the new shit. Hey, speaking of privies and shit...

Casper Van Dien can't even sell the line, "Cease fire," without bringing on the laughs.

Yes, well, my attention-span has been suddenly riven, and all that other stuff is all fine and good, but now it's shower-hour! Looksy. Mayhaps I see a nipole?

Alrighty then. I tried to have this article gracefully slide back and forth, snakelike and full of venom, but it ended up more like a dissected earthworm instead. I'll get over it. Anyway, the film's story is really of no consequence, and if it was, I may or may not have mentioned it. Maybe I'm a bad reviewer. But I'm not giving your money back though. Oh no. I have that cruise to take, so you better just take my word that if you like bad horror movies, or even if you just like bad movies, PYTHON will come up aces. Horrible CGI, one foul and loathsome character, but all and all an efficient creature feature.

I can't wait for the sequel too. That's when Zabka talks the Python into strangling Daniel-San. I hope he takes that chump's bandanna and goes to parties wearing for a cockring. Shout it, Johnny: "Cobra-Kai! Cobra-Kai!"