"The Miner's Massacre"

Shortstick
3/5/04

Rating:
(3.5/5)

The Miner's Death Toll: 7

A week or so ago, Giggles and I were trying to kill some time before seeing "Mystic River", so we decided to go into the Blockbuster over by the movie theater. After cruising around the store for a while, we came across a movie with the tag line "They Axed For It!" We didn't rent the movie at the time because of logistics, but it went into the mental "must see" list. The problem of course was that we couldn't remember the damn title when the time came to rent it. After a bit of searching, I figured out the title of this fine picture was "Miner's Massacre". Instead of renting "Miner's Massacre", I had to end up buying a previously viewed copy of this masterpiece. I wouldn't say it was worth buying, but we'll get to that later.

I suppose I should get the basic plot stuff out of the way so I can get to the fun stuff. Basically, there is this miner dude who was killed by a bunch of people during the gold rush because he was a dickhead. In his dying words, he puts a curse on his gold claiming (good pun huh?) that he will kill anyone who takes it. Through a friend, a group of dipshits come across his gold and a killing spree ensues. It sorta seems like the screen writer for this flick lifted the idea from the pile of steaming crap known as "The Leprechaun".

Any who, on with the fun:

This is actually a clip from the opening credits. Roachito commented that they were too damn long. When I ended up capturing the pictures for this article, I timed the credits at a whopping 3 minutes and 40 seconds.

This picture pretty much explains what we thought about one of the characters from the flick. I don't remember what his name was from the movie, but I think I shall call him Ethan Humanzee from now on.

After eating a can of Hormel Chili, Ethan Humanzee gets himself a case of the scoots. I don't know why the film makers included this in the story, but we found it amusing.

Giggles commented that these CGI effects were kind of high end for a low budget movie.

This here is the Miner's First Victim. We figured his deadly sin was that he tore the Miner's map. The Miner hates people tearing his maps almost as much as he hates people stealing his gold.

Doesn't this chick look like a real bitch?

Somehow, I think this actress is used to accepting money from men in exchange for getting naked.

The Miner's Second Victim. His deadly sin is his "moonshine" habit.

This is that bitchy chick (at least her head) that I commented on above. Her deadly sin was being a bitch!

While I could show a frontal shot of Eve, I thought her caboose was much better.

Apparently the Miner isn't an ass man. He decided to kill Eve for the deadly sin of curiosity.

I just wanted to throw this shot in of the hot red headed stripper chick and her friend. Yowza!

This is about as close to nudity as we get in this flick. In a later scene, my bro commented that if the moon was on the other side, we would have got to see some boobies. I kinda dig the moon in this pic though.

Again, the Miner proves that he isn't an ass man and kills the poor red-headed stripper chick. Her deadly sin was lust and not showing enough boobies.

Roachito commented that these dudes were WAY too close in this scene.

Another victim of the Miner. His deadly sin of course is greed. If I was him, I would have died of blue balls much earlier in the flick, because every time he tries to get some poontang, he gets interrupted. Poor guy!

My bro commented that the Miner has some really pretty blue eyes. Giggles said that he had Doc Brown hair. You be the judge.

Somehow Kenickie from "Grease" showed up in this flick. Dude's career must be really slippin' these days.

One of the Miner's victims taking a pick-axe to the back. We figured her deadly sin was that she was a cock tease who didn't get naked for the Miner.

If you can't tell, we actually had a pretty good time watching this movie. As far as cheesy horror goes, I would say that this one is worth renting one night with your buddies just for shits and giggles. Besides, we watched "The Leprechaun" the other night and "Miner's Massacre" is much more fun to watch. Remember, this isn't "Halloween" or one of the other much better horror movies. It's a cheesy flick that's fun to watch. I wouldn't recommend buying it like I did though

One more fun piece of info from this movie: The Miner is played by Vernon Wells, the dude who played "Bennett" in "Commando".