"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

JCVH's Death Toll: Too many to count!

Rating:
(1/5)

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" looked like a can't miss prospect based on the above description from Netflix. You would really have to try hard to go wrong with a movie about Jesus fighting vampires (lesbian vampires I might add) with a mexican wrestler sidekick. I don't know how the film makers did it, but they took a promising concept and made it dull.

In all honesty, this movie probably deserved less than the "1 knife" rating we gave it, but it's Journey-esque theme song bumped it up a bit. The song is freakin' catchy and it will stick in your head for days on end. Outside of Mary Magnum, the song was the only halfway decent part of the movie.

I think that this movie was supposed to play like a 70's era Kung Fu movie with bad overdubs and crappy action sequences with some "funny" horror stuff mixed in. Instead, it looked and sounded like one of the skin flicks from Italy that Skinemax played in the late 80's or early 90's. If you were a teenage boy at the time, you'll remember classic films such as "Super Girls in 3-D" or the old imported Emmanuel series. Picture those titty shows in your perverted mind, subtract the "sex" scenes, add some crappy fighting, and you'll have an idea of the quality of "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter".

To make it worse, the story was pretty dull and jumped around quite a bit. We know when we watch these things that they are supposed to be spoofish and cheesy and all that other good stuff. I don't want anyone accusing us of not "getting" a movie. We also know that technical merits of a film really don't matter whilst watching cheesy horror (as discussed in the "Back Woods" review). No matter how bad the film is made and acted in, the story still has to be pretty good for it to be anything more than crap. Sadly, for many of these films, the story sucks. "JCVH" falls squarely into this category.

Plot Summary

Somehow Jesus comes back to earth to fight lesbian vampires (huh?). With his "GI Joe Kung Fu Grip" and a little help from some friends, Jesus has himself a grand time vanquishing vampires. I wish I could say more about the plot, but that pretty much seems like the gist of the story.

I don't know who Johnny Vegas is and why he needs to star as himself, but I guess he is important enough to have a website.

Here we see Jesus suffering the "post nut shot pain" that one of the lesbian vampires delivered to him upon his return to earth. I don't know about you, but kicking Jesus in the nuts doesn't seem like a good idea.

Jesus is cruising along on his Honda Ascot. You would think the son of god could find himself a better mode of transportation.

Here we see Jesus delivering the dreaded "Holy Cross" to a couple of evil atheists that attacked him. Even before we meet El Santo, his presence can already be felt.

I think the filmmaker's conversation regarding this scene went a little something like this:

Here we see Mary Magnum "convincing" Jesus that she is on his side.

I don't know about you, but I've never imagined seeing Jesus wearing a shirt with the fuck word inscribed on it. Furthermore, I've never thought of Jesus as a hip looking Canadian midget with the fuck word on his shirt.

We saw scenes similar to this in "Back Woods". For some reason, people who make crappy horror movies think that having some dude rub fake latex skin on his own flesh equals crazy. After seeing this, a new Youngmanridge rule was born:

"If some dude is rubbing latex skin on his person, chances are the movie is gonna suck"

This is supposed to represent the innards of the poor bloke with latex skin. It looks more like bread pudding. You gotta love the clothes pins keeping the wound open.

Canadians might not be good for much, but at least they are progressive and have lesbian drop in centers. It's always nice to know that lesbians can have a place of their own to hang out.

In another stunning scene, we see Jesus having a conversation with talking ice cream. This movie totally shattered my conceived notion of Jesus. He likes to wear the fuck you shirts and talk to ice cream. How come this shit wasn't in the bible?

Ah, Jesus and his buddy Santo. Is it just us or does Santo look like a fat destro?

Jesus is blessing some beer to kill more lesbian vampires. Beer should never, ever be used as a weapon. It should be used to bring people together, like a slumpbuster and a man who needs to be laid.

This is Jesus' hotline to heaven. He can talk to his mama Mary with this little contraption.

Bottom Line

Sometimes when we are describing these movies to people who haven't seen them, they seem pretty funny. We were cracking up the other night when we were describing "Back Woods" to my bro. While our funny little descriptions of these movies might make it seem like it would be a good idea to see them, I can't emphasize it enough that you should never see these movies. We don't want you going around blaming Youngmanridge for ruining your night. For your sake, stay away from movies like this one.