"The Jackhammer Massacre"

Stink Yard Article #B9

Reviewed by :   Shortstick Rating :   (1.5 outta 5) Kill Count :   8 Over-doses :   1

“I believe that you don't have the right to criticize someone else’s film unless you have made and sold one yourself, PERIOD! So for all those fools that are critical of other peoples films without doing the work yourself...your opinion doesn't count to the rest of us filmmakers, you need not speak...in other words...SHUT THE F#CK UP!”

-- Joe Castro from an interview at Horror Asylum

What if a critic offers a critical analysis of a film? Does the critic's opinion automatically become invalid because he or she hasn't made a film? As long as the reviewer isn't talking out of their ass and supports their opinion with reasonable arguments, it shouldn't matter. Simply said, if you tell someone that a movie sucks, tell them why you think it sucks. It doesn't take a film makers perspective to form an opinion and support it.

Then again, it probably isn't wise for one of the Youngmanridge guys to take try and shoot down Joe Castro's quote. No one is ever going to confuse one of our reviews as a critical analysis of a film. Go ahead, I dare ya -- analyze a movie that revolves around a drug-crazed dude that goes on a killing spree with a jackhammer. Yep, that's what I thought. It can't be done. Damn near impossible if you ask me.

When ya see Joe Castro this many times in the opening credits, you know you are in for a long, crappy ride. To be fair to Joe, "The Jackhammer Massacre" was his best work to date. It was twice as good as anything else he has made.

A guy who hits two home runs this season after hitting one last year still isn't a power hitter though.

"The Jackhammer Massacre" opens with these dudes getting ready to settle a score with the main character. Make a mental note of this image, as it is important for later in the review...

The drug assassins shown above concoct a special PCP, heroin, and meth cocktail to settle a score with "Jack Dread the Crack Head".

Unfortunately for us, the special drug cocktail didn't have the desired effect that the goons were looking for. Had the cocktail worked out the way it was intended, we would have been spared the trouble of watching the movie.

Instead of killing Jack Dread the Crack Head, it turned him into an insane Mark Hamill look alike with a penchant for killing people with a jackhammer.

Before Jack Dread starts his killing spree, it is necessary to subject us to his back story. We were getting set for killing action, cause you know, that's the way the movie seemed headed. Instead of jackhammer induced deaths, we get to see the rise and fall of some hotshot with an MBA and a viper.

After watching for a few minutes, we realize that this is going to be Castro's "drug movie". It's a cautionary tale that crack and heroin users should take to heart. If you do enough drugs, you'll go crazy and start killing people with a jackhammer. "Reefer Madness" has nothing on this flick.

Before I get anymore cracks in at Joe Castro, it must be noted that the acting was better in this flick than the other Castro films that we have reviewed. It should be stressed that this is in relation to Castro's other films. In other words, when you've been force fed shit, you'll happily eat brussell sprouts.

This dude turned to hardcore drugs after watching one too many Joe Castro movies. Giggles and I should check ourselves into rehab as a precautionary measure, methinks.

Imagine trying to score some shit and a naked crack head greets you at the door. You can get drugs and titties at the same time. Isn't humanity wonderful?

Um, thems are some nice boobies. I'm distracted at the moment...

Jack Dread the Crack Head's buddy decides to sniff some heroin and overdose. Jack doesn't handle the situation as well as Vincent Vega and is subsequently guilt ridden for pulling an asshole move and letting his buddy die in an alley.

Just say no to drugs boys and girls. Say yes to boobies, though.

Now that we have the pesky problem of the back story out of the way, we can now return to the present.. except one year later is sort of an approximation. We still have a bit more back story to go before the jackhammering commences.

Before we leap back to the present, we get to see some gross-out scenes. What is it with puking in crappy horror movies? It seems like a cheap way to gross out the viewers. At least seeing Jack Dread's infected arm is a somewhat decent gross out type of scene.

For fuck sakes, did the movie start over again? I thought there was something wrong with my DVD player, but apparently, the problem was in the way the story was presented. It isn't surprising, considering the source.....

Do we really need to see anything in a Joe Castro movie twice? Last time I checked, most folks don't like to be served a second helping of shit burgers.

I wouldn't complain if we were served a second helping of the goth chick's boobies, though.

Aside from showing a disturbing death, I wanted to warn readers that doing a Google Image search for anything Jackhammer related is a bad idea. While searching for an image to use as the "wallpaper" for this article, I was subjected to many a thumbnail for gay porn related stuff.

This is pretty similar to the shit that I found after typing in "Jackhammer" in the Google search box. Of course, the guys in the thumbnails were using a different kind of jackhammer.

That being said, I'm thinking that this might go into the "Top 10 List of Shitty Ways to Die". If it isn't at the top of the list, it certainly isn't lower than 2 or 3.

If I am going to stumble across "gay" porn, this is the type of stuff that I want to find.

What is it with shitty actors and pointing? They can't get their point across any other way, so they must make goofy faces and shake their fingers. Even then, it isn't really that effective.

A disturbing trend was just beginning in this scene. For the rest of the movie, we got to see lots of dudes with their shirts off. Maybe Joe was trying to give something back to the ladies. Either that, or someone on the film crew spends their free time doing the "jackhammer" search on Google.

 

At least this red-head is a tasty piece of pudding pie. After showing some pics of shirtless guys, I needed to steer this article back into the realm of all things hetero.

Some folks might recall that Jackie Chan's character in "Drunken Master" was a disciple of drunken boxing and fought better when he was snookered.

Jack Dread is apparently a master in "Crack Head Boxing" and fights better when he is higher than a kite.

I can't fucking believe that I am going to praise Castro for this scene as well. Jack Dread's jackhammer is electric and needs an extension chord. When he is chasing this hottie around on the roof, his jackhammer becomes unplugged and he resorts to hand to hand combat, learned from his mastery of crack head boxing, to off this chick.

Seeing that this was a shitty horror movie, I was expecting that the extension chord would come unplugged but the jackhammer would still have power. Joe actually paid attention to detail in this scene. I am still in a state of shock.

Being an anti-drug movie, you can guess that all does not end well for Jack Dread the Crack Head. I think he got off easy though, cause he didn't have to watch the movie. Even that dude who took a jackhammer in the pooper probably had it better.