Greenskeeper's KILL COUNT: 11

REVIEW BY: GIGGLES

(4/5)

This movie was really, really surprising. Myself and my site-mate, Shortstick, thought we would be getting ourselves into something awful and unworthy of our time. Well, I'm here to say that not only is this movie worth watching, but you might have to watch it twice just to realize how cheezily good it is.

The movie we watched before this one was "Backwoods," which doesn't even deserve the quotation marks I just gave it. So maybe our view was a little inflated by comparison. But our other piece of the Youngmanridge tri-force, Roachito, was our control for this movie. He too sat down, watched it, and enjoyed it.

The plot revolves around a dorky guy who 1) Has a rich mother and stepdad, 2) Has a nice, meaty blonde girlfriend, who happens to be a bitch ala carte, and 3) Has a job as an assistant greenskeeper at his family's golf course/country club--- he gets to smoke weed and drink and drive a riding mower all day--- saaay!

Oh yeah, and let us not forget numero 4) His dad is played by John Rocker, the fallen from grace relief pitcher whose 15 minutes were up so long ago you hardly remember why people were so pissed at him. He seems harmless in this film, but in fact, he may just be THE GREENSKEEPER.

The movie's beginning sequence runs like the introduction to a sitcom, presenting each of the different characters in their slapsticky glory. It's almost like a reverse presentation of the end of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie where everybody, even the villian, gives a nice, bright smile.

This Denis Learite has some memorable lines in the movie: "Marco Polo Bitches!" and "Enough about you, let's get back to me. I like Unicorns and I kick ass!"

There were jaunts through the film that were particularly bursting with fun. The sunny atmosphere of the beginning of the movie seems to belie any traces of horror, but well, there are other things besides darkness that can scare....

Good God. My jaw dropped to my shorts as these four words appeared on the screen. As it turns out, the music isn't really that bad. In fact, most of it sounds like Joe Satriani meets Tool. I'd never buy a CD with the particular said music on display, but it definitely didn't sound like WINGER, so I's content.

This tennis instructor is showing the proper strokes: foreskin and backbend.

There he is. Daddy, the greenskeeper. I think if you looked up "Corn-Fed White boy" in your Webster's, you'll likely find this picture.

The main character of the movie. He's rich and mows a golf course for a living. You have to respect his love of grass.

Here's his girlfriend, a.k.a. Queen Biatch.

Ah, and here's the girl he pines over: a spicy Latina treat that wields a broom like Red Sonja and smiles like an advertisement for retsin.

I think this little Den of Stoners is a little too well-done to be a movie set. This looks to be one of the producer's private launching pads for toking up. While the main character, Allen, pauses to say high to his friend, one can consider how well used that bong is. Too used to be a prop, if you care to ask me. Somehow I wager the special effects department had little to do with this matter.

After his morning constitutional, Allen goes to work as assistant greenskeeper and all at once he is surprised by the older, more seasoned greenskeeper, Otis.

Otis has a way of laughing that is both endearing, and creepy.

Very creepy.

Creeper Weed!

Allen's stepfather comes to check up on him and Otis, just missing them spark up that fat joint to perpare for a day of lawnmower repair and hornet's nest descrecation. Allen's stepdad seems decent enough, in an uppity rich-bastard sort of way. Allen doesn't approve of him at all, but that's because the coot married his mother right after John Rocker--- whoops, I mean, Allen's father mysteriously died.

At Allen's birthday dinner, he spots his love-interest serving water and taking orders. He quickly invites her to a party he's having with his girlfriend and her friends after the club closes. I have to give extra credit to Allen. He already has a wonderful, if not perfect job, but he also proves his worth on the battlefield of love.

You see, he knows his relationship won't amount to shit, so he goes ahead and starts another courtship with another girl before ending his current boyfriend status. Allen must have had a hard time remembering which kickball team he was on in first grade, yet he probably scored for both sides, so it's all good.

As all of this lovely stuff is occuring, a horror movie is in progress and somebody has already been bludgeoned with a nine-iron by an odd man in a greenskeeper outfit (it could also very well be the uniform of a beekeeper).

Allen's stepdad tells this gay cop to put a hold on his police work and forget the thing happened, so he can run his own investigation. The whole corrupt homosexual cop thing doesn't quite turn out to be a subplot, but hey, I told you this movie was GOOD.

The chicky-poos get ready for the big party, as do their nipples.
Hold on, I need to pause for station-identification.

Meanwhile, wonders never cease. Otis is such a sweet-heart! He got Allen a bicycle for his birthday, to which Allen's emphatic reply is, "It's got a little light and shit and everything!"

Allen's girlfriend's friends (damn that's alotta S's) wrangle humor from the void as you wait for killing to commence. I actually enjoyed watching the speedo-patrol wander onto the screen, because you just know these guys are going to die. It's in the stars.

Flashbacks, exactly like this one, haunt Allen throughout the film. I think these images are weird though because Allen was never present at these particular events. Ewwww! That's almost creepier than Otis's leering grin.

This is one of the singular sensations in the film.
Nails + Tennisball Machine = 3 spurts of red death and a beer tap in the sinus.

The Greenskeeper is not just about gore, either. There are a few sexual encounters as well. Heed the female face during intercourse: serene, uncaring, perhaps even slightly bored.

Now pay mind to the neanderthalic male face. Carly from The Defilers would be ever so proud.

And the tits keep coming!

They wanted a shocked reaction from John Rocker, so they told him that integrated schools really do exist and a that a gay pitcher took over for him.

The one true shot of "acting" that Rocker does. This is his bewildered pose.

I'm trying not to give anything away here because experiencing the film is far better than having some stranger tell you the entire story arc. But go out and watch it, if you like, and return to this article, and then tell me that the last death scene isn't the best. A sprinkler-head shoved through the chest, which promptly begins sputtering red everywhere: tist-tist-tist-tist-purpurpurpurp-tist-tist.

This is even more interesting phenomenon, making the blood-sprinkler idea fully realized. Not only did somebody very important to Allen just die (wink, wink), but being splatted with lifeblood is hilarious to both him and his newfound flashdance-looking girlfriend.

Oh god that's the funniest thing ever! I wonder how many times that girl's taken it in the eye like that? And then nearby you got Allen, looking like Corky with intensifying Down's Syndrome.

You'd think that this is from the outtakes, but you'd be wrong. These comical blood-soaked grins are, for whatever reason, the conclusion to the movie.

There's no way that you shouldn't see this film. There's no reason, no excuse, no real tangible explanation for avoiding this confused batch of the goofy-horrific. If you're uptight, sure, by all means, consider yourself excluded, but you wouldn't have made it this far into the article had your pucker been so snaredrum-tight.

So go out and see the Greenskeeper as soon as you can and don't look back. You don't have to do it because I say so, do it for John Rocker. I have a feeling he's going to need some money.

And soon.