Final Stab

Reviewed by Giggles

Kill Count: 8

Final Stab is a forgettable slasher movie that pulls no heartstrings whatsoever. To note something positive, the acting isn't horrible, despite the fact that it's not that great either. This usually isn't a big issue for me when reviewing movies of this sort. Ordinarily I'm looking for creativity, atmosphere, story, and maybe special effects. If one of those blows me away, the film has my vote (not that my vote means anything to you (why would it? (it's not like we know each other (for that matter, it's not like we would actually care to know each other if we had the chance (can there possibly be anymore redundant parenthetical applications in this sentence? (sure there could (but do you care? (I don't (I guess you've figured out by now that I would rather goof off than review this lousy movie (you're right)))))))))).

So the movie starts out with this guy watching a horror movie entitled GREEN ZOMBIE. He acts as if this is a widely known film. "Oh whatcha watching?" "Green Zombie." "Oh, well, I guess I'll call you later. I don't want to take you away from that."

This guy, who has already been queer-eyed by the looks of things, has forgotten all of GREEN ZOMBIE'S predessors: Purple Zombie, Peach Zombie, Marblized Zombie, Brown Zombie with a scoop of ice-cream, Whining blue Zombie, and never forget, the one that started it all--- Butterscotch Zombie.

As it turns out this very eighties looking, Pat Benetarish, chick has got a covert operation set up for the weekend. Plot goes like this: bunch of college stupidos come to the house to stage a fake murder, but mysteriously they begin to end up dead. Yeah, I know, it's pretty thin, but try watching it and explaining what happened to someone else after its finished. I'd rather flush myself down a butcher's toilet.

But Love Is A Battlefield....

An accomplice, who's being blackmailed of course, has a falling out with Pat here, but goes along with the plan. It seems they are going to fool the Green-Zombie fan into thinking there's a real murderer loose, but there is, so I don't see what the real point is... Watching this with my horror-partner, Shortstick, we both concluded two things at this point: 1) We were mesmerized by our confusedness, and 2) This dude is definitely gay. In fact, gay people pretending to be straight abound in this movie. I mean, we're P.C. and all, but these people are frauds! There's no honesty in FINAL STAB ladies and gentlemen, and that's all we really wanted.

Oh shit, now we've stumbled into Footloose?

"Kick off your sunday shoes!" HA!

Well I guess Gonzo can finally feel better about his nose.

These guys are straight? I don't fucking believe it! And what's Anthony Michael Hall doing in this picture (this refers to the later Hall, like in Edward Scissorhands and Johnny Be Good, not the little twirp from the John Hughes universe).

Oh great. One's got a nose like a water faucet and this one's been blessed with Spock ears? Press stop! Press stop goddamn it! Not a second more.

Convicing huh? This is the perfect expression to show somebody feigning death, rather than really experiencing it. And even if this guy really did die, what's with the whole stabbed in the back thing? Why is blood coming from his mouth when a knife has been shoved into his back? I've decided to let this bother me.

And here's all the expressions of people trying to look surprised. In essence, feigning shock at this guy's feigning death. Feigning is a strange word when you repeat it a lot. If you split it in half, you have an Asianlike name. I will meet my master at the temple steps and you will address him: Feig Ning.

Live long and wear hoop earrings.

"I am just a worthless liar; I am just an imbecile."
Could this scene look more like a Tool video?

Okay. I finally get it. It's a crappy horror movie within a crappy horror movie. I think Shakespeare's done something similiar, although not as well.

I know I've fucked around for the most part in this review, but if you saw the movie you can see why. Above is a picture of the last shot, and it tries to achieve creepiness and a bonechilling conclusion in the final words, yet it is way too late for this to have any kind of impact on the audience. The killer is too standard, and the story, while this film tries to have one, falls real short. The kill scenes aren't even that interesting or inventive. Slasher films can be fun or blahhhhh, and this one's definitely the latter.