"Evil Cult"

Reviewed By: GIGGLES

(3 outta 5)

Neil Stryker's Kill Count:
46 (+ 2 bloody rampages)
Other: 3

EVIL CULT features the most annoying character-acting of all time, but let's not forget that its story is corny and overdone and the lead role shamelessly rips off Bruce Campbell's Evil Dead character Ash. His name is Neil Stryker and I'm here to say that I've never had the displeasure of hearing such a monotone, constipated tough-guy voice roiling up from the smallest of small, wimpy throats.

We're supposed to believe that this Neil Stryker is a kick-ass, womanizing, cool dude that possesses all the rage of Ash with his boomstick in one hand and his chainsaw fit over the absence of the other. But the problem is that we don't believe in Neil Stryker. We laugh at him. He's barely likeable because he's a clear ripoff of a much more believable character (and I never thought I'd say that about ASH). Shit, even the name itself Evil Cult implies Evil Dead. I mean, come-ON!

That I give it 3 knives proves only one thing... I've seen much shittier movies, whether they be dull or poorly done. This one wasn't dull and there are some redeeming aspects of the filmmaking.

We start with a mad scientist and a time-vortex (or a really bad wig and barely plausible C.G.I., whichever you desire). The movie plays out like a bunch of kids wasting money and film knowledge on an idea that is too over-the-top for even a blockbuster weekend attraction. This is the type of plot I would have conjured up when I was twelve.

Download this sound clip; you won't be sorry:
bannana.mp3

Aside from the retardiculous opening, the story begins on an open stretch of road where Neil Stryker ambles along in washed-out yellows and browns. The visual style of this movie takes you by surprise sometimes--- because it's not that bad. In fact, it's out of place with the cornball acting and short-attention-span plot.

Neil is graciously picked up by this man, whom I will refer to as Old Man Crazy. I choose this not to endear or lend insight into the character, but just because I'm not bothering to look up his name on IMDB. Hey, honest is as honest ain't, or something along those lines. But anyway, we get an uneasy feeling in this scene; we're certain that Old Man Crazy would like nothing more than to jump Neil's shallow bones.

Neil arrives at a compound and by now we've heard enough of his voice to hold a smirk quick to our face for the rest of the movie. With his taxicab-door ears and scrawny form, we realize that real men would actually use Neil Stryker as a weapon to bludgeon their enemies, taking him by his little waif neck and slamming him down repeatedly. Such an attack would do no damage, and a real man would understand this, but the endless fun would in no way be diminished.

Through a tour of the compound Neil realizes that he's stumbled upon a retarded cult, rather than a mere evil one. He feels sorry for himself, but not as much as we, the audience, do for viewing this tripe.

He's got an army jacket and a duffel bag, so he's got to be a hard-ass, right? Neil Stryker was the guy in middle school that the geeks beat up when they wanted to feel better after taking lumps from jocks.

Neil gazes briefly at Bethany. I'm undecided about her, really. She may be cute in that she-works-at-a-gas-station-and-no-other-women-are-available kind of way, but she looks needy of a father figure, the sort of woman who will glue your balls to a toilet seat if you try leaving her. Wooh, I'm sweating now.

This is may favorite shot of the movie. One) because Neil Stryker is not shown and Two) It kind of looks like some surrealist painting or something; the colors of the white jumpers are starkly contrasted with the browns, and that guy standing there seems odd and out of place, something that usually brings a good painting together.

Guy Pierce is part of the Evil Cult! Well, after The Time Machine I'm not really that blown away. By the way, if you are at all wondering, this isn't really Mr.Pierce, but this guy could fool even Guy Pierce's mother, couldn't he?

The cult traps you in their sinister grip, and this is supposed to be the complication of the movie. Now, I'll allow that for Neil Stryker this could be a potential setback. Naa, that's an understatement: Neil could be detained by the Elephant Man and a twistie-tie, but what about the rest of the free world? The members of this cult are either skinny micro-schleps, or greasy-bearded, functionless old men, or ambiguously sexed girls. Twenty of these people could average into the manpower of one Peewee Herman. Should we be afraid of them because they're evil? HA! I've been to toy stores during Christmas, and that's evil as Satan himself, but these are dorks in sweatshirts and capes!

Sister Bethany proves as one of the Evil Cult's devices to keep members trapped. She offers up a piece of her ass, and for any man that's good enough to keep him for a few weeks, provided he doesn't rip her horrible wig off.

After slobbery coitus, Neil has a dream. It's an out-there, colorful, meaningless dream that displays how awful-horrible character-acting can be. Why we needed another Neil Stryker, who is thrice as annoying as the first, is beyond me. The dream is a nightmare, to be sure. And we find out that Jim Carrey largely influences the young man who plays Neil Stryker. It's either Carrey or children show actors; I can't decide which.

Our site mate, Roachito, has had this exact dream, except on the horizon there were flying jars of bubbling Aqua Velva and lightning-bolts shaped like King Kong penises.

To further your abuse, we've included a brief conversation between the Neil & Spastic Neil:
neil_and_spastic.mp3

The dream ends as fatuously as it had started, and now we all sense the need to roll around in shit just to make ourselves feel clean again.

The plotting of these two oldsters always ends abruptly in laughter. You can bank on it; the odds are always in your favor.

Neil investigates the dungeons under the compound and finds an evil Teddy Ruxpin. Or from A.I.: "Don't drop me David."
I'd like to say that this silliness could have been cut out of the movie, but if you play by those rules the whole film would need to be erased.

Underneath the compound, Neil meets the poor souls who tried to escape the cult and were placed under a laser that lowered their brain activity to a neanderthalian level. These unfortunates are known as Meltoids.

The filmmakers were like, "By this time they should be seeing retards. Put more retards in! It's sure to captivate anyone watching."

It's tough being a Meltoid. Ask our friend Roachito; he'll tell you.

Neil meets one Meltoid that challenges his intellect and they instantly become friends. That's right. You got it. A retarded sidekick. Yep, that's pretty much what I was expecting at this point as well.

Conversation sound clip: Meltoids.Mp3

Neil's ruse, if you can credit it by calling it one, has been revealed and now Old Man Crazy wants to make him a Meltoid, so of course Neil Stryker pulls an Ash and mindlessly kills everybody in sight. This movie is without any true complications. When Neil wants to kill, he kills, and many, many fall under his bony, mountain-dew hyped hands.

I bet this is how Neil looked after P.E. every day for years.

Naturally, like all evil leaders, Old Man Crazy starts convulsing in a gelatinous fit.

Ten to one this is a perfect replication of Old Man Crazy trying to fire one out on the pot.

Neil is captured soon after and Bethany is accidentally killed as the Cult demonstrates the effect of the laser. It's a good scene. It's fun. I liked it. Neil seemed indifferent to it though, but I guess he is tough as nails (Lee-Press-Ons).

That's worth an extra knife rating right there.

Okay. It was innane before, but now Neil goes on yet another rampage, murdering left and right. His Meltoid friend manages to get a potion to him to make him even more powerful...

...Turning him into someone who looks like a character on Virtua Fighter or something. Of course Neil Stryker would be the last person you'd choose if you were playing that game. He'd probably have all these funky moves: left, right, down, punch, kick, 360, punch, kick. And as you're fumbling through the sequence the computer is thoroughly kicking your ass.

Senator Palpatine would be proud.

I've heard of gay men being flamers, but I guess they're quite shocking as well.

Ah yes! The only complication of the movie! Old Man Crazy has the same power of Neil (just not the cool, strawberry quik hair). I gotta admit, I wasn't too worried about this dilemma though. I knew it would be solved in a dippy way. And it was.

Neil somehow calls a bunch of other Neils from various spaces in time to come to his aid. Yep, yep, yep (sigh). More Neils, again. I wish Ash would have appeared and slaughtered everyone, so that this movie wouldn't have the chance to be given a sequel.

But really, I don't know what the big deal was about escaping the cult anyway. Sex with Bethany any place or time, go down to see the Meltoids for a good laugh or two, learn Mongoloid Karate--- Why not stay in the Evil Cult? It would have helped Neil. He could have learned how to be a real, true dork and stopped the shameful charade of trying to pass himself off as someone larger than life.

To conclude, the movie ends on a convoluted note and the credits roll with a stupifyingly bad theme song, which sounds like it's sung by Neil himself. Try not to hurt yourself too bad with this MP3, and please, refrain from using it on prisoners of war. That's just plain sadistic.

Strike back song:
strike_back.mp3