"Dead Alive"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

(4 outta 5)

Dead Alive (or Braindead as listed on IMDB.com), directed by Peter Jackson (yes, that Peter Jackson), is the most vile and disgusting film I have watched. Vile, disgusting, and enjoyable. Sure, some of the scenes made me a little twizzly (in non-Youngmanridge speak, nauseous) but it never took itself seriously enough to make me actually think that I was a sick fuck for enjoying myself. I wouldn’t even consider it a horror movie. Dead Alive is more like a comedy that happens to be massively bloody with several “gross-out” scenes.

The copious amount of fake blood used in the movie must have sent the folks at the fake blood bank into shock. I was expecting a call from the fake blood bank while watching the final scene. After getting enough calls from the real blood bank, I imagine the call would go a little something like this:

It may seem like I am talking about the blood and gore in the movie too much, but no matter what I write, I still can’t convey how freaking bloody the movie is.

The movie opens with an animal bounty hunter and his native assistant tracking some animal that must be seriously fucked up. A group of aboriginals tries to stop the animal bounty hunter, but they are stopped when dude busts out his uzi!

In typical aboriginal fashion, none of them is harmed. Typical aboriginal fashion? I made that shit up, but they amazingly dogged an onslaught of bullets from an automatic machine gun. Aboriginals are some bad motherfuckers I tell ya!

Richard Taylor may have one of the coolest jobs in the world. It might be as good as being a fireworkologist!

Holy Crap, they even have Mexicans in New Zealand! Seriously, is there anywhere in the world that doesn't have Mexicans?

Ah, the protagonist Lionel, and his mother. Lionel is a dorky mama's boy. Mama is a controlling, mean spirited windbag. She makes Norma Bates look like a wonderful mother.

The Simian Raticus, or Rat Monkey, is a horrible little creature. Even the cheesy stop-motion footage couldn't portray the amount of terror a simple bite would unleash.

Mum shoulda minded her own business and let Lionel and his Mexican girlfriend enjoy a nice outing at the zoo. Stupid bitch had to go and spy on them and ended up turning into a zombie type creature cause the Rat Monkey gave her a love bite. Serves her right!

Yummy, a nice spoonful of custard with blood and puss for extra seasoning. This scene was perhaps the sickest thing I had ever seen on film (until I saw the end of the movie). I even read a review on Netflix where some dude said his wife loves gore and gross-out kind of stuff and she had to turn her head.

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While this scene is pretty gory, it still is pretty tame compared to some of the other scenes in the movie. Zombie (or should I say, infected?) Mama has herself a little doggy snack. Sadly, Fernando the dog, owned by the Mexican girlfriend, is the snack. Oh, Fernando!

Father McGruder declares before this scene "I kick ass for the lord". Good thing he kicks ass for the lord, cause the lord himself in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter didn't do a very good job of it.

What do you do when damn near everyone you know had turned zombie like? Ya serve them breakfast porridge laced with tranquilizers. I guarantee that shit tastes better than bloody custard.

What the hell? Why is Lionel taking a baby out on walk? Doesn't he have more important things to deal with, like freaking zombies in the basement back at his house?

Damn, there must something fucked up in that carriage. I was a little hell raiser as a kid, but I don't think that my parents ever thought about this method. I'm gonna have to make note of this for the future (I keeed, I keeed).

Holy shit, no wonder why Lionel has a special barb wire carriage. This is seriously one fucked up looking kid. It isn't very often that you see babies that are ugly and even if you do, you just tell Mom and Dad "Isn't he the cutest kid?". I don't even think you could lie about this one. Mom and Dad would say, "He isn't cute, he's a hideous zombie beast you tool!"

I've purposely tried to stay away from the gore in this review. Being a Youngmanridge review, it's not due to try to "save the children" or anything like that. I just don't want to ruin the gorefest for any readers who haven't watched Dead Alive yet. That said, I just couldn't pass up a shot of a dude getting his rib cage torn out. This is restaurant quality gore I tell ya...

There is so much blood on the floor that Lionel gets to do a slapsticky, cartoonish type of running in place sort of bit. Well, it looks like a lot of blood and in most movies, this would be alot of blood. To quote Bachman Turner Overdrive "You ain't seen nothing yet..."

Man, I have always wanted a zombie night light. This kill provides a bit of comic relief with the zombie night light popping up in the background of the kitchen anytime zombie killing happens. I'm not sure I have relayed how funny this movie can be so hopefully you can just take my word for it. Even while gallons of fake blood are splashed about, we still found time to laugh.

I've heard of cigarettes after sex, but after a zombie killing spree?

Again, to avoid gore so I don't spoil anything, imagine what happens when you mix in a lawn mower with a shit load of zombies. It doesn't take too much imagination to know that buckets and buckets of blood will be shed.

I've tried not to include any spoilers in this article because if you really like gore, I think you should see this movie. And if you've already seen it, do you really need to see all that blood again? I told Giggles that while I enjoyed the hell out of this flick, I didn't think that I would watch it again. Of course, to capture the pictures for the review, I had to watch it again. It was just as bloody and gory (and funny) as I remember. I'm just not sure I am doing this movie justice with this review. I said earlier that it may seem like I am overstating the gore, but I just don't think it's possible.

If cutting your finger makes you a little twizzly, I wouldn't even recommend thinking about renting Dead Alive. The fast forward or "hide your eyes" tricks won't work with this movie.