"Crocodile"

Stink Yard Article #B8

Reviewed by :   Giggles Rating :   (1.5 outta 5) Kill Count :   7

The most disappointing aspect of the movie CROCODILE is not the acting, the plot, or the special effects. Those parts of the movie are substandard, but they aren't disappointing. But the fact that Tobe Hooper, famed horror director, has his name on this movie does disappoint me. My nerve-endings are still shot.

CROCODILE is a creature feature. Plain and simple. In most cases, this isn't a bad thing as far as I'm concerned. There is one exception though... if this movie is directed by someone noteworthy, the standards have to be set higher. Tobe Hooper, in my unvalued opinion, should have brought something new to the table. He didn't.

I've never even seen LAKE PLACID and I know for a fact it's a better movie. That may be an ignorant stance, but I like to think instead that I'm gambling against a sure-loser.

Resume includes: THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE 1 & 2, POLTERGEIST....LIFEFORCE and... CROCODILE????

The casting department should have just cut through the shit and got a real Backstreet Boy to play the "Annoying Asshole Friend" role.

Okey-doke. So, I'm not much for spilling plot, especially when it comes from a movie of this small caliber, but I'll sum it for those who care:

An ancient Egyptian Crocodile discovers her nest has been defiled, so she exacts revenge on the partying youngsters that happen to be in the area.

I don't want to ruin anymore of the story but I will hint this... there's plenty more cliches and horribly executed dialogue that all lead to the unbelievably standard ending.

Look here. This movie was off to a good start. I would have rather watched this for an hour and a half.

Meet the food... er, group of characters... The guy in the hanging orange shirt reminds me of a small version of Vin Diesel. I shall call him Mini-Vin.

Mini-Vin has a great opening line. As a matter of fact, I think it's my favorite of the movie. Not only does his words inspire his friends to cheer, but the little dog starts joining in, and even the movie's score decides to peak.

Take a listen. Download this Shakespearean Spring break Sonnet.

Mini-Vin.mp3

Ye-haah!

Horror characters like this have to stop. There's always some ultra-serious guy that wants to lay a foundation for why there's a creature roaming the nearby woods. And while he tells the story, his friends make stupid jokes and he gets offended because they don't believe him.

Hey Dick, if you really believe this shit then why are you out here where the Crocodile can chomp on your ass? Why aren't you a thousand miles away from this place?

Because he's a slice of Fuckleberry pie! That's why! Hardy-har-har.
(All the other drunk kids join in a big laugh, which is subsequently also the "last" laugh they'll have before dying)

Fat-forest-folk always die before the attractive children in these horror vehicles. That's a common axiom, if I'm not mistaken.

This is the most uncomfortable love-scene I've ever seen--- the dude's giving himself Scoliosis right before our eyes.

This is what happened to Thing after the "pit-bull incident."

One of three things could be happening here:
1) A Crocodile's popping out of the water, or 2) This girl had the bean casserole, or 3) A Crocodile's popping out of the water because this girl had the bean casserole.

A real quote from the movie: "It's a fuckin dinosaur yo!"

Steven Irwin's unplanned funeral.

Things are gettin' heated for this Croc. He must have learned Ysuran's enervation last time he visited Baldur's Gate! Hot damnit!

The only way to take down a prehistoric Crocodile is with a pirate's pistol? I find that theory slightly challenging.

My Favorite Scene in CROCODILE.

There's really not much to conclude upon, and there's no point either. This was a lame movie with a tired premise and it should have been better. PYTHON is a far superior attempt at a modern day creature flick and it had Jenny MfuckinCarthy in it. That will tell you a lot about this wet-fart of movie that Tobe Hooper has befouled our nostrils with. Shame on you Mr.Hooper! Shaaaaaaame.