"The Coroner"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

(1.5 outta 5)

Kill Count: 3

The Coroner tries to break the mold of the typical slasher movie. Roger Ebert described Donnie Darko as the "one that got away." The same might (and I emphasize might) be said for The Coroner. Just to set it straight, I don't want people thinking the movies are anything similar. Don't go renting this movie and say "but Shortstick, you compared it to Donnie Darko". The quote just seemed to be an apt description for The Coroner. Nothing more, nothing less.

Giggles goofed off a bit with his Final Stab review. I might just do that with this movie as well. Boys and girls, flicks like this are the reason that you shouldn't put off reviews. The Coroner was the type of movie that if you don't review it shortly after you watch it, you're gonna forget what the hell happened in the movie. Capturing pictures for the article helped refresh my memory, but even then, it was hard to remember why it sucked so bad. Of course, while watching it again, I was fast forwarding it at 60x until I found a picture or five that I wanted to use in the article. Sorry bout the digression, but I can't think of much else to say about the movie. It just wasn't very good. It could have been, but it wasn't. If I had my druthers, the review would be a short, one-line review like "Had potential, didn't live up to said potential, and ended up sucking".

Anyways, a crazy woman lawyer, named Emma, is intrigued when one of her clients is killed by a serial killer. Before she can figure out who is doing the killing, the killer kidnaps (why do we say kidnap for an adult?) her. Man, she could of saved a trip to the library if she knew this information ahead of time. The coroner's victims have all been suicide survivors. For whatever reason, he thought it was his duty to finish the job himself. Anyhow, she escapes, tries to tell everyone who the killer is, but since he is The Coroner and respected, if somewhat dorky, no one believes her. She becomes obsessive about proving that the dorky coroner is the serial killer de jour. Lots of other unimpressive stuff happens leading up to her getting thrown into a nut house at the end of flick. If the movie would have done some stuff the right way (don't ask me, I can't remember what they should have changed), this movie might have had a chance to be pretty good. Instead, it ended up being a bad horror movie that ends up being forgotten if you wait too long to write your review.

This is what I like to call a "titty collage". There were so many boobies in the first 1 1/2 minutes of the movie that I ran out of fingers counting them.

The first 3 1/2 minutes of this movie deserved 5 knives. Countless titties and Dodger Stadium? I don't even think that I could dream something so spectacular.

I know I didn't explain it in the plot summary, but early on in the movie, after the titties and Dodger Stadium, we see Emma in a special padded room. One of her flashbacks is from the movie "Slumber Party Massacre". After researching a bit, I haven't been able to make a connection between the two movies. I'm figuring that it was more of an homage or something like that.

Here we see Emma (on the right), telling one her clients "You may be a whore, but you're not stupid." I don't know what this has to do with anything, but the line was kinda funny...

Perhaps the most terrifying image from the movie, a dude vomiting. This seems to happen a lot in horror movies. Some dude (or chick) sees something gross and loses his lunch. It still makes me queasy every time I see a dude vomit on screen. I just can't help it.

If you can't tell, this Emma chick is seriously anorexic. She does have a pretty nice rack though. Giggles said that sleeping with her would be like "having sex with a rake".

Emma's friend, AKA the smart whore, might not be dumb, but she is dead. What I really want to know is who Dayna is and why he/she says "screw you Batman".

The coroner did a nice job with Emma's hair here. As a matter of fact, we think that the coroner (or Leon, but that doesn't matter cause I won't call him by name again) did a better job with her hair than she did herself.

We thought Emma was gonna chew her hand off right here. How fucking cool would that have been?

The coroner is officially the dorkiest serial killer/slasher ever. Look at this goober. I dare ya to come up with a dorkier killer. Not only that, he might be the most disturbing killer ever. If I was gonna die in a horror movie, I want a bad ass like Mike Myers or Jason to do it. A fat, balding, semi-naked dude in an apron just wouldn't cut it.

Just looking at this pic is giving me the "post nut shot" pain. Emma was a serious ass kicker. I think up until this point of the movie (about 25 minutes or so into it), Giggles and I were still giving it a chance.

Emma eventually escapes the lair of the coroner. Of course, no one believes her, sending the movie into a tailspin. Even her assistant, "Pat" from "Saturday Night Live" doesn't believe her.

By the time Emma gets arrested for stalking the dorkiest serial killer ever, we thought she was so stupid that she deserved to get arrested.

Scenes like this led us to believe that this movie could have been way, way better. I'm sure that can be said about alot of movies, but how many of them have some crazy chick using a staple gun to torture some dorky killer?

Honestly, there isn't much more to say about the movie other than my usual warning for bad movies. Don't watch this one. I just don't know what else to say. This was one of the movies that made Giggles and I decide to be a little more "choosy" with the movies we review. It wasn't worth watching, even to check out how bad it was. After asking about the connection with the "Slumber Party Massacre" on the Fangoria message boards, I came to the realization that perhaps Giggles and I were the only people other than those involved with the film who actually watched this movie.