"C.H.U.D."

Stink Yard Article #B16

Reviewed by :   Giggles Rating :   (2.5 outta 5)

This movie has more male gay overtones than anything the Village People were ever involved with. You wouldn't think you'd find such a thing in a movie about flesh-eaters from the sewer, but with affirmative action, homosexuals have their hands on everything nowadays. Even CHUDS.

First off, let me say that this movie is a lot of fun. You have to slog through about forty-five minutes of yawning to get to the fun, but it is there, buried deep in the slime.

The story revolves around a government conspiracy with toxic waste and homeless people who have turned into creatures living beneath the city. There are other characters in the story also, but they never rise to the level of importance as the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.

I should have mentioned earlier that there are no attractive women in this movie. I believe this to be part of the gay conspiracy underlying the film, but I'll prove my point quickly. The woman in the picture is supposed to be a MODEL. We'll come back to her later, even though I know you ache to look at her receding hairline, let's move on.

 

John Heard's a seedy bastard. There's a lot about him I don't trust. For instance, I've always believed he knew perfectly well he was leaving Kevin home-alone. He just didn't care. The fucker did not give a damn.

In real life he did divorce Margot Kidder the same year he married her though, so he's not dumb. And yet that may make him even more powerful...

Let the truth be known:
I believe John Heard's really the Devil of Gayness, otherwise known as Satan's Gaymate.

This movie really bats 1000 on the homely chick meter. At first sight, my pal Shortstick thought this girl looked a little like Mam from TV's "Webster," but on closer inspection he just ruled her out as elfish and badly dressed.

You know something's wrong with the movie when cops are yawning in the first five minutes.

Don't give us those gay looks, John. It'll get you nowhere. These buttcheeks only part for the toilet.

I think it's time to get a woman back on screen, just so our guy libidos don't melt away to nothing....

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Yikes! I thought models were supposed to sell things. The only thing this chick is selling is terror.

Before his voice work on the "Wonder Years" and his eloquent performances in Home Alone and City Slickers, Daniel Stern had a righteous, casaba melon-sized afro. Even African folks got jealous from how I heard it.

This is what happens when Larry doesn't get his morning smoke.

The Chudtastic headlight system. You put it together!

This "Alternative Lifestyle" Samuel Adams calls after his hetero victim: "I'm always a good choice!"

Right before things get real interesting in the story, like cops going into the sewers with standard issue flame throwers, Daniel Stern is accosted by this gay man, who subsequently eats his only dime. I don't get it, personally. Must be a homo-come-on of some kind. I'm just glad the scene ended before he asked Daniel to dress up like a pirate and shiver his timbers.

Chuds playing football in the sewer. "It's good! Take that mutha fuckas!"

So we're given a chance to see the Chuds in their own element, which looks pretty close to dog vomit, but who are we to judge these mutants?

I will not give away another plot point of the movie now, yet I shall say that C.H.U.D. doesn't really stand for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers as we are led to believe. You'll have to see the movie to find out though! HA!

But if you don't want to go that route, you could always take a guess like we did.... My buddies Shortstick and Little Roach and myself attempted to figure out what the filmmakers had possibly intended the acronym to stand for:

It's either:

Cock Hungry Uber Donkeys

or

Confined Homosexuals Utilizing Dick.

And just to make males more appealing and chicks even grosser (ah icky!), we have this symbolism of her pulling out a tampon? The shroud of the Gay Side has fallen. Turn back men, before you start lusting after your own body parts! As Admiral Ackbar so gallantly declared, "It's a trap!"

I wonder if Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart was referring to a CHUD when she sang of her mysterious "bright eyes."

There's one flaw with that though. I can't imagine her "needing a chud tonight," or "needing a chud more than ever."

Oh and you thought I was just making up all of this gay-love stuff? Well, don't apologize, I'm used to being right. Occasionally.

Give the guy a break man! Sheesh! Let him at least brace himself, damn!

Glowing Chud-Blood! Doo-whop! Doo-Whop! Chuda-chuda-chud doobie-do!

I wonder if this Chud was thinking, right before his lights went out, why don't these people scrub their ceiling? Absofuckinlutely nasty!

So, homophobia jokes aside, we shall come back down for a landing into the "review" territory, but it's only a minor stop. C.H.U.D. is one of those movies that you can't really say isn't a fun watch. It builds good momentum at the end (good meaning cheesy-good: let's be straight) and it delivers what it sets out to accomplish.

There always seems to be a portion of a movie devoted to building character, and most often it's found in the beginning of the movie. This film tries that and fails because its more concerned with politics when it should be concerned with people getting eaten. I sob when I think of what this movie might have been.