"Back Woods"

Reviewed by: Shortstick

Rating:
(I'm not going to waste my time rating this movie. It doesn't even qualify for the "butter knife" rating from the "Snake Island" review)

The Retarded Genius Transvestite's Death Toll: 6

I was looking for cheesy horror movies to rent on Netflix one night and came across this gem of a description:

"When Luther's (David C. Hayes) beloved mother is murdered by partying teens, what's a 300-pound transvestite redneck ex-genius to do? Why, go on a killing spree of completely average proportions, of course! Luther calls on the powerful hermaphroditic forest spirit Mangina to set him on a bloody trail of vengeance. Gore meets black comedy in this unusual made-for-video feature."

I had a feeling when I read the description that this movie would either be super cheesy fun or it would be craptastic. Usually, there is no middle ground when it comes to these kinds of movies. What I didn't know was that it would suck on a level that I have never witnessed in my life. Giggles said while we were watching the movie that "This is the cream of suck". I think that aptly describes this movie. It should be noted that Youngmanridge has low standards and generally tries to stay on the positive side of reviews, but I can't help but be negative with this flick.

But Shortstick, why does it suck so bad? There are more than a few reasons, but I'll go ahead simplify it a bit.

1). The fun factor was missing

I would have to say that this is the most important factor when it comes to cheeseball horror. The acting, camera work, etc can all suck but if it is fun, you can still enjoy it. The only thing fun about this movie was coming across the description on Netflix.

2). It didn't know what kind of movie it was trying to be.

Was it just a cheesy horror movie with an intriguing concept or a farcical "Scream" type of movie that was making fun of the genre? After thinking about this one for a while, I still can't decide. I don't think the film makers decided either. At times it was one of those "actor looks at the camera and lets you know it is a movie" kind of movies and at other times, it just sort of drifted along.

3). The technical merits of this film stunk

Okay, I said earlier that camera work and acting don't really matter when it comes to cheesy horror flicks. When a movie stinks as bad as this one did, these factors become magnified and you start actually caring about them. The sound quality was horrible. 99% of the movie was dubbed after the fact. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but the sound would leap from nearly inaudible to "oh my god, my neighbors are gonna know that I am watching a horrible movie" in mere seconds. The camera work looked like it was done by some dude who was trying to kick his 4 pack a day cigarette habit and had the shakes. Haven't these goofballs heard of a tripod or steady cam? I know the budget might have been tight, but I think my pops just purchased a tripod for a few bucks on e-bay. The acting of course was beyond bad, but it wasn't even really a big deal. Everything else was so bad that you can't really harp on the acting.

Plot Summary

So this fat chick (who is really a guy) that looks like Nathan Lane in a wig gets boned in the forest and is pregnant with a fat fuck of a kid for 30 years before she finally has the kid. Mommy gets killed by some teens. Her retarded transvestite fat fuck of a son goes on a killing spree because some forest creature named "The Mangina" is talking to him. Mix in a whole lot of suck and you have "Back Woods".

The movie opens with a weird sex scene that is out of place but is quickly replaced with.....

A Beastie Boys video that is voiced over by a meandering, thick-tongued, slow speeded, retarded demon.

I had a hell of a time trying to get a good pic of "Mama" because Giggles said "she" looked like Nathan Lane with a wig. Use your imagination!

The pimply assed dude shown above actually banged "Mama". After an incredible 30-year gestation period, Luther is born from his "Mama's" ass.

Once Mama is killed, Luther, who is described as a "retarded genius" (WTF does that mean?), puts on a dress and goes on a killing spree directed by...

THE MANGINA!

Just like this "review", some dorky dude on a bike appears out of nowhere. He even had himself a laugh track in the middle of the rest stop that served as the movie's set.

This here is the "gas station" of Suckville.

This jacket once belonged to the "Sheriff of Suckville's Rest Stop". Luther really doesn't like "man" clothes so he decided to kill the jacket.

At least we got a boobie shot right? Except for the fact that they even found a way to fuck up a boobies shot....

The camera kept focusing in and out on the boobies and made the scene completely devoid of any fun.

To keep up with the boobie theme, this girl gets killed by having her boobies torn/bit off. It never occurred to me that I would see something so terrifying. I really hate Luther for tearing apart this poor girls prosthetic rubber boobies.

Bottom Line

Stay far the fuck away from this movie. Imagine watching "Manos: The Hands of Fate" without the MST3K guys and you have something similar to this movie. I'm still shocked that this movie was even available from Netflix. They don't stock stuff like "Miner's Massacre" and "Snake Island", but for some reason, they have this thing. I wouldn't even recommend renting this movie out of morbid curiosity.