AX 'EM

Reviewed by: Giggles

(1/2 outta 5)

AX 'EM was only given a higher rating than the atrocious BACKWOODS because it had a few amusing momma-jokes in the beginning and at the patience-testing length of 1 hour, it has less time to suck. But just about everything in this movie is uber-horrible. It doesn't reach the level of ridiculously bad that "Backwoods" achieves, though the margin between the two is only at a hair's width.

A very badly shot black "Saved By the Bell."

It's hard to judge something like this as a movie. It's almost not fair, like beating the local wheelchair kid at hopscotch. The film grain is so god-awful you cannot distinquish the main characters and the sound is twice as terrible.

But I guess the prince of Nubia likes his movies to be visually and audibly bewildering.

Don't you wish overalls were back in style? Oh how simplistic and clunky the fashion was in the early nineties. This film was distributed in 2002 though, so I pray there isn't a school somewhere that still looks like this. If so, I want to visit with my Cross-Colors blaring.

Wherever this school is, I'm glad they gave us a slice of their talentshow before getting on with the horror movie. And looking above, I'm sure you can understand now why they had to share it with the world.

Check out the gumby behind the guy in the mustard shirt. I miss when hair shape actually meant something.

The few momma-jokes I could actually translate were typical, but nonetheless right on the money. Seriously though, these filmmakers must have used a SINGLE microphone for the sound. Did they really think they could get away with it?

Awwwwwwwwwwww yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

At first I'm thinking, Spike Lee, but now I'm gonna go with Malcolm X. But this is quite a piteful replication of the former activist. Malcolm Y here has enough fur on his coat to weave a tapestry, and I'd like to comment also on his sorry acting as well, but I couldn't hear any of his dialog.

Regardless, from here the plot is a standard slasher formula. Kids go to a cabin and are killed by some mentally ill, large, lumbering murderer.

I don't know how these two are supposed to function in the movie. Maybe for laughs? But Cracky and Alchie are real, real, REAL lame ass comic relief. Plus, at this point I didn't want any relief, I just wanted a drill to burrow through my skull and release the mounting pressure in my cranial cavity.

But Cracky ignored me and Alchy as well. He burgled a sip of Alchie's Miller Highlife and just let the rest of us suffer.

Malcolm Y and his friends lounge about for roughly half an hour. I wish I could tell you what they were talking about but only my dog could truly say. All the characters look very happy. I'll give them that. Not really scary though. Generally, up until now this movie is about a group of people being loud and obnoxious with each other.

"Yeah, that's right. I'm the smart brother... Yep.... Hey don't gimme none of that bullshit, I want more than one microphone.... yeah man, look I done told you before...this shit's gonna suck. People won't understand a god-damn word we sayin'.... that's right.... What do you mean people won't care anyway? Fuck you then!"

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With my finger poised over the Fast-Forward button, the killer, at long last, shows up. And all the other characters act like fuckin boarding school just let out.

"Come on gents! Let's make a mad dash!"

"My god man! Get your fingers out of my gums!"

"Come on Urethra! Shake that chunky ass!"

"Egads! I'm always last through the door."

"Somebody goosed me. AH! Life is good."

I hope none of you were expecting an axe as the murder weapon. The title of the movie is a pun on Afro-Americanglish. Had the filmmakers just a smidgeon of foresight they might have sprung for an axe as the kill-tool. I guess they thought the double meaning of the title would be too much for the audience to handle. Or they never thought their movie would someday be scrutinized on an obscure website. One of the two.

"I got your Afro-English right here pal. This is gansta-talk. BANG-BANG means back the fuck up you lousy web-critic!"

Finally the killer. Ole' Porridge Head, I like to call him. I think the only cool thing about this guy is how he finds the time to button his bottom shirt button, yet he takes a pass on his personal hygene.

Smashed up grapenut-flakes and glue makes for a great skin effect.

Well, to be honest, me and my sitemate Shortstick, ultimately had to push the big FF button on this turd-feast. We don't like doing that, as a rule, because trying to make it to the other side of a very bad movie has always been our goal. But this was in the un-watchable category. I strongly urge those of you who value your time to turn a cheek to this one. Even if you like bad, cheesy, horrible movies, this isn't a film for you. This isn't a film for anyone. Whoever distributed this movie is going to hell someday, and I will be one of the people celebrating on that day for sweet vengeance.