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It has been quite a while since my last article, and even longer since my last Stinkyard entry. That might be attributed to lack of response and interest in the general internet population, or it may be laziness, or it may be both. Most folks want instant gratification and they want everything done for them and spelled out. I was one of those people too. I fell into a trap that many web-writers are predisposed to entangling themselves in: I thought people would read... Well, they won't. Not if you don't pay them, or get them off, or offer free tickets to the local steakhouse. So why am I writing this? Not for family or friends... they don't read either. Am I writing this for myself? HELL NO! I have better things to do with my time. I'm writing this for my good pal Morty, who, despite being introduced into a horribly lame and unimaginative horror movie that nobody ever saw, has managed to appear once more in a sequel, which is only marginally better than the first. Morty perseveres, and so shall I.
"I don't think it's ever
an easy thing to see Morty." The movie, if you can call it that (I suppose you can since there is movement), is similar in structure to the first entry. The main character Mike brings his friends to his grandparents' house for a Halloween where they dress up as their innermost fears. Mike's fear is that he's inherited a homicidal legacy from his father. Everyone else's fear seems to be as believable as any complication in any Disney channel afterschool show. Of course, at the party one of Mike's friends brings out Morty, who has taken on a significant change of appearance since the last installment. Let the slow, unsuspenseful carnage begin.
"That dude looks like Randal
from CLERKS."
"Yeah? Well that dude looks
like Luke Duke."
"The good ole days-- can't
even get an axe 2 inches into a skull anymore."
"Morty looks like Henry Rollins."
"You
have to wear a Morty mask to lead a ceremony? Where do I get one?"
"Morty
on a treasured vacation."
"I'm
not turned on, but intrigued; that's Morty's butt."
"So
Morty turns out to be Native American... a guy named Morty?" "Uh-huh.
He's from a Jewish Indian Tribe --- they used every piece
of the buffalo."
"I'm
tired of you Indians! Everywhere I turn is another Indian, takin'
all our jobs and casinos, and all of our shitty land!" "If
you put the Morty mask on, you turn into Daniel Craig, the next
007?"
Yes, that's it. Lunge at the snake and kill it. It was bothering everybody sitting there coiled in a ball, minding its own slimy green business.
"Question-mark
man? Is this dude afraid of Matthew Lesko?"
Morty Lesko.
"What can I say? I DON'T want
to get free money."
"That guy on the right is
either afraid of gay Puerto Ricans or the Heavenly Kid."
"Finally!
We've been waiting for Morty to take action since The Fear 1.
Too bad he's trying to still this guy's sheet so he can go take
a nap. Come on Morty! Don't lay around like a bump on a log. You
are the log!" "Oh, to hell with it."
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Shortstick
Roachito
